From Page to Screen: Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe, here in this great screening room with comfortable recliners, are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled. Keith!

Are we talking about Annihilation Fish or are we talking about Star Wars?

Terry!

She's in the musical Xanadu, which is not about aliens apparently. I thought it was, but it's just people in love in Los Angeles.

Derek! When you ish upon a tar. And the power twins, Zap and Jordan, with their magical lemur snort dedicated to fumbling their way through movies one forgotten gem at a time. I, Crumb, this week we watch 1982's Conan the Barbarian.

This is Fumbling Through Film.

What gods do you pray to?

I pray to the 4 winds. And you?

To Crumb.

But I seldom pray to him.

He doesn't listen.

What good is he then? Yeah, it's just as I've always said.

He's strong.

If I die, I have to go before him, and he will ask me, what is the riddle of steel? If I don't know it, he will cast me out of Valhalla and laugh at me. That's Krum, strong on his mountain. Yeah, my God is greater.

Krum laughs at the 4 winds, laughs from his mountain.

My God is stronger. He is the everlasting sky. Your God lives underneath him.

Hello and welcome to another one-of-a-kind, genre-defining, brand new episode of Fumbling Through Film. By Crom, it's the only show that dares to bring together 3 dudes to talk about movies. These, however, aren't just any movies. Yes, these are the ones we've missed, overlooked, or feel are simply worth revisiting. That would constitute any movie.

No, I think, I think we even add on like another little thing, or You know, that we've read also. I mean, that's true.

I have read many movies.

Yeah, I've— I'm— I find myself reading movies all the time.

I do have subtitles on almost every time.

I do.

I read—

I do read.

I always watch the subtitles.

I genuinely do read them.

Not, not what I was meaning, but okay, I— that falls in that category as well. So I guess any movie. I am on board with you this week, Derek.

Wow.

Any movie.

My name is Derek and I'm a fumbler. Joining me here in the any movie camp It's also known as the Fumbledome, is the Prime Minister of Fumbling and Film, Keith.

Hey, hey, what's up everybody? KG Fumbler extraordinaire. Yeah, feeling good, feeling great.

That's good.

That is great. I'm, I'm so happy to hear that, Keith.

I drank coffee at like 6 o'clock today, so I'm just buzzing.

6 AM or 6 PM?

6 PM.

6 PM coffee?

Yeah, I was falling asleep in the chair watching soccer, so I decided to have some coffee.

He's living on the edge. Oh man, Keith, you're never gonna fall asleep now.

I, I may be the most awake that I have been, uh, by the time we end these podcast recordings that I usually am, but, uh, we'll see how it goes.

All right, we will see how it goes. You know who else is gonna see how it goes? It's Terry. He's on the outside looking in because he's not part of the Any Movie Clan. He is a barbarian from a neighboring clan. He's Dr. Dre of Kansas. He's Terry.

That's true. I wander the lace— the wastes, not the laces. I wander the wastes of, uh, of—

in lace.

What? In lace. I wander the wastes and I look around and try to find, uh, that, that prophesied movie that doesn't fit the category. I know it exists. I just, I'm just trying to find it.

You will never find it.

It's out there.

The riddle of fumble.

The riddle of fumbling. Yes, by Crumb. When you guy and meet him on top of his mountain. Mm-hmm.

You know, like, can you tell me any movie that doesn't fit? I say no. And he laughed at me.

And he'll cast you out of Valhalla into the pits of hell.

You and Keith are behind him just giggling, laughing at me as I leave and I go straight to hell. Yeah.

You bring like a, you bring like a, you bring like a beat up DVD up, up with you and you're like, you hand it to him and he's like, no, this one still is any movie. Get out of here.

Dang it.

Dang it. You know what else is beat up and we show to gods?

This podcast?

This podcast. We do? Wait, hold on. Which gods are we showing this to?

Well, and how are we showing them to? I haven't even seen any video of this yet.

I've discussed, we discussed earlier that I print out the episodes.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah. They sit in a chair and I show them to my gods.

What do they say?

You print up one copy for the gods and you burn them at an altar.

Yeah, exactly.

Rise up to them and then they can read them. Yep.

That's why, how we're able to do this every week. I did it the first week and now I gotta continue every week there, you know.

Oh, that's how they subscribe. God, they can't subscribe through Apple Podcasts. They have to subscribe through Derek's special service.

Yeah, I have to sacrifice every episode to them.

And if you miss a week, oh God, they don't like that.

Here's the thing though, I don't know if they notice what we do here, so I should probably tell them.

Oh yeah, just in case. They can't decipher this.

New Gods might be listening, you know. You never know. Oh man, the New Gods. Orion. Orion might be there.

Uh, oh yeah, you never know.

Barda.

Big Barda.

Yeah, nice.

Oh, she, she listens.

I know she does. Scott Free. They're both listening right now.

Darkseid. I know he listens.

Shout out, shout out to you guys.

Mm-hmm. I'll back.

Every week we watch movies, but not just any movie.

Uh-uh-uh.

Every month one of us chooses a theme, a genre, a guiding light, some sort of revenge plot that, I don't know, does— I guess it gets resolved, but kind of not really.

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah. Anyway, well, then we each choose a movie that adheres to that revenge plot that kind of gets solved, but not really. And we watch movies that do that. And then on the 4th week, we fumble. But this month was DTF, down to fumble. Y2, year 2, M7. The M still stands for month. And that was a me month. And I chose movies that are, have been, that were books converted in or adapted into film from page to screen.

Oh, wow.

to Screen. I think that's what I called it, or Page to Film, something like that. It don't matter.

Something catchy and cool.

Something catchy and cool, no doubt. Uh, the first week I chose Cormac McCarthy's The Road, and then, then the second week was Keith and he chose Cameron Crowe's Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Fast Times— Jesus, a week later I'm still doing the same thing. Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Yes, that means this is week 3 and it's a Terry W.

That's right.

So Terry, what have you given us?

Conan the Barbarian.

Conan the Barbarian.

Based off the Robert E. Howard, uh, short stories.

Short stories. Novelettes is what they were called when I— and, and one novella in there as well.

What's the difference?

I think word count.

Word count?

Yep.

I think novel is like— he has one novel, and I think you have to be over 50,000 words for a novel. And then like 30,000 to 50,000 is a novella, and then less than that's a novelette, I think.

Yeah, that sounds right. I believe it.

Yeah, thank you. No need to fact-check that.

Nope.

Now Before we talk about our viewing of Conan the Barbarian from 1982, or before we even do a deep dive into Conan the Barbarian from 1982, did any of us have any previous knowledge, history, or experience with Conan the Barbarian from 1982?

Uh, I've seen it before. I've definitely seen it before. Um, now it's been a while since I've seen it, and I've definitely— I, I've read, I've dabbled in the stories as well, the written word, but Never dive too deep, but I'm I'd say I'm casually familiar, casually familiar.

All right.

I don't know if I've ever seen this movie all the way through. I've seen bits and pieces, probably because back in the day some channel probably had it on in the afternoon. I edited out a bunch of stuff. I knew like all the key things that happened and all, but I couldn't. I wouldn't have been able to tell you how the movie. kind of like went along.

Yeah, I'd known about, about Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I'd known, uh, that, uh, James Earl Jones was in it. And I, I knew there was— I thought there was— there's snakes in it, right?

Yeah.

And then after last week, Terry, I was like, well, I'm gonna have to read Conan the Barbarian stuff. So I got the audiobooks and I've been cranking through them on my walks. I almost got through them all.

Yeah.

Um, so, so I know you've been listening to those and Terry's been like reading them.

Is—

does this movie like, does it just pull like from some various stories of them or is it kind of doing its own thing?

Yeah, it's, it's 100% inspired by one piece that's in one of the stories. I couldn't tell you the name of the story. But I'm sure we'll get there. And so, but before, like, I'd never seen it. I knew of it. Um, I knew the lamentations of the women line.

Yep.

Um, and that's about it.

I think that line, and then also the thing where he's like doing like the training poses.

Oh yeah, that's like on the beach. Yeah, that classic, uh, sword overhead pointing in a direction thing.

Yeah, very stylish.

Very stylish. Very, very muscular Arnie. That's Arnie in his prime right there.

Straight off, kind of baby-faced, Arnie. A little bit.

He's a youngin' with huge muscles.

I saw the, I saw the Momoa remake at a drive-in theater.

Oh, really?

Yeah. 15 years ago, uh, this year probably, because my wife and I wanted to get out and go see a movie and our first son had been born, and so we just put him in the back and we went to watch the movie at the drive-in.

So your son's first movie was Conan?

I mean, slept through it also, but yeah.

Yeah, probably best.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, very much so.

I'd never seen that one either.

I'd be curious if it's a remake of the movie or if it actually tries to do one of the short stories.

I'd be curious too on that as well.

Only there was something—

I believe he's born— he— it starts with him being born on the battlefield, like his mother gets like a C-section on the battlefield or something like that.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Well, that's not—

finally, that's more of— I want to know more about the origin of Conan than what we got here for sure. I want to go deeper.

Yeah, earlier. We're only getting him when he's 5 at the beginning of this one.

Yeah, that's too late.

I want to see conception.

Conan year zero, that's what I want.

All right, well, Keith, you and I, we gotta sit around the campfire and eat some nondescript meat that's been roasted.

Not human.

Non-human. No, no, they don't do cannibalism.

Mm-hmm.

Because Terry is gonna take us closer than we could have ever imagined to Conan the Barbarian in another patent-pending Fumbler's Deep Dive.

Do we still get some of that, like, green stew though? Like, if we—

Oh, the blue stew with human parts in it? No.

Yeah, I don't—

we'll skip that.

We'll skip the blue part. We'll skip— I mean, we'll skip the—

Oh, the blue part? You're worried about the blue part?

No, no, no. Yeah, we can, we can strain it.

We can strain it. There were heads in there.

I just want the— just the liquid part. They can strain out the other things. But that's like human broth. Why would—

it's made with human parts. It's still cannibalism. You're not actually eating the flesh, but you might as well.

Human broth is pretty gross.

Yeah, Keith, that's why I call my bathtub human broth.

Yeah, it's also my new— it's also my new heavy metal band name.

Human Broth.

That's a great song title. Mm-hmm.

Maybe an album. That sounds like an album.

Oh yeah, we could make a concept album.

Yes, and every title is the ingredient going into human broth.

Eyeball, finger, human, human, human, water. Yep. Heat, star anise, a little bit of cayenne pepper. All right, well, this movie did come out in 1982, as we stated.

It did.

Same year as Fast Times at Ridgemont High and other things too.

I bet you there are more than 2 movies that year.

And those were the big 2, I think.

Only the 2 that matter.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. Per my radar, there's only two movies. So this movie is based off the stories written by Robert E. Howard. This man is cited to be the creator of the sword and sorcery genre. Very influential.

Yeah, his stories predate J.R.R.

Tolkien. Yes. Yeah, it's crazy. It's like the 20s, I think, is right.

20s and 30s.

Yeah. Publishing.

I don't know why I thought you were gonna say JFK, and I was like, I didn't know him as well.

I was like, I didn't know he was a big sword.

Yeah, he was.

They predated all his great sword and sorcery works too. Yes, JFK. I would love that to be a big reveal. It's like someone finds like a dusty journal in the White House and it's JFK's fantasy novel.

Yeah, that turns out to be the whole reason behind the shooting in Dallas.

It's too good. It's so good.

Get out.

The world wants to know this. He can't. It's a masterpiece. The world will be changed forever if they read this.

What if it's written on the back of the Declaration of Independence?

Oh. Oh, George Washington's secret fantasy novel.

Mm-hmm.

That's what Young Washington might be about.

Oh God, I'll never find out. If one of you fuckers makes me find out, I'll be very upset.

If it goes on the wheel, maybe? Hmm.

You know, let's mark that down.

Yeah, we don't want to forget Young Washington. Um. So his most popular stuff was Conan the Barbarian, um, but he did do other things. But that's the, like, the thing that really stuck through time. Um, they were all mostly published in magazines, like short story stuff. His works were not collected together until after he had died. Um, he died pretty young. I've read a few of his stories, uh, really enjoyed them. What I really like about the stories is it's kind of like just jumps between, like, time periods in Conan's life, like, randomly almost. It seems like it's not really in chronological order or anything.

Yeah.

So you're kind of like just getting snapshots of what he's been doing. And you kind of can like put together in your head a timeline. I kind of like that. Like, it's almost like a puzzle piece thing a little bit. It's not like you have to know what's, you know, these stories don't rely on the previous stories at all. But every once in a while there's cool little hints and stuff about other, other works he's done. Like the first story that was ever published is like The Phoenix and the Sword or The Phoenix on the Sword. And it's a, that was published in 1932 and takes place in a late period of Conan's life where he's king and he's like, oh, Yep. Like that's not what I think of when I think of Conan. So that was like, and that's the first story I ever read too. And I was like, wait, really? That's unexpected.

It's based on the one we see at the very end of the movie.

Probably the him sitting on the throne. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yep.

That's interesting.

You want a spoiler, Terry? That's like the only one where he's a king.

Oh really? There there is one other one.

Yeah, like the the novel that because it's like a Conan's greatest hits almost as a novel. He starts off as king.

There's the one— there was one I was reading, I'm on it right now, where he— it takes place slightly after this one. And it's like he gets, uh, he goes out to the battlefield with his army and then he gets kidnapped. He might not be king for long after that.

It's like the dragon something or other.

That might be it. Yeah, that might be it.

That's— those are the only 2 where he's king.

Okay. Yeah. So maybe he didn't have a long stint as king, but he's also been a thief, obviously barbarian. He's a mercenary. He's done it all really.

Yeah. I mean, the biggies right there, the big hitters, thief, mercenary, barbarian.

Yeah. That's kind of cool. I really like the vibe. Uh, some cool, like cosmic stuff going on sometimes, a little bit of horror, a little bit of just a cool fantasy of world building. My favorites I've read so far, The God in the Bowl. I really like kind of a murder mystery with Conan. He's one of the murder suspects. The police are trying to figure out who killed a man and Conan's there.

It's the next Knives Out.

Oh yeah, I would love that. That would be great.

You know, it's weird, that one wasn't published back, back in the day.

It wasn't?

I feel like I'm a Conan historian, uh, because I've gone through all these books and they each, each one had like a little blurb at the beginning, and that one wasn't included in my omnibus. because it wasn't published in Weird Tales.

Really?

It was rejected. Yeah, because it was a murder mystery.

Oh, I actually liked that. I thought it was a nice, like, change of pace from the normal Conan story. Um, I like the murder mystery aspect. I liked him being kind of a weird side character. The police are like, what's up with this guy? My other favorite is Tower of the Elephant. Really good. Kind of more of a heist. He's trying to find the mysterious sacred treasure in this tower. And he finds a bunch of weird stuff in there.

Agreed. Yeah, that's a good one.

Really good. I would highly recommend that one.

Robert E.B.

Howard, he's got a pretty big legacy now. So 3 Conan movies: Conan the Barbarian, which we're talking about, the sequel Conan the Conqueror, and then there's that Conan film we talked about with Jason Momoa, the remake. Um, some other characters that Robert had created have also had movies. Solomon Kane from 2009, that was a film.

That was a movie, really?

They made a movie about him.

I didn't know that was based on the same— from stuff from the same guy.

Because I'm a historian on this. There were 2 short stories that were Solomon Kane at the beginning of the omnibus, and then the first Conan was actually a Solomon Kane story that was repurposed into Conan.

Oh, interesting. Okay. Okay.

So it's like, is it like a shared universe type thing then? Are they Nope.

Okay, Solomon Kane is like an English barbarian.

He's like from like the, yeah, early like pilgrim days, right?

Yeah, something like that.

I don't know much about him at all, but he also has Kull the Conqueror, which had a movie in 1997.

I had no idea.

He played Hercules in the TV show, uh, Sorbo. That's his movie, right?

Yes.

Yep, he's in that.

Ugh.

Yeah. Yep. Uh, he plays Kull and, um, Yeah, Howard invented that guy. And it's apparently— the movie is a pretty direct adaptation of a Conan story, not a Kull story. So I don't know why they did that, but maybe they just couldn't get the Conan right, so they just decided to call it Kull. But, uh, there's also a ton of Conan comics. Recently he did a cross— well, maybe not that recently, but semi-recently he did a crossover with Marvel and the Savage Avengers, which was pretty good. Teams up with like Doctor Strange, Doctor Doom, uh, I like how you put that, Terry.

Like it was his choice to do crossover. Yep. Conan did this.

Yeah. He really wanted to.

Conan, would you like to do a crossover? Uh, sure.

Why not? Yeah. He's, he's a pretty chill guy. Yeah. He's, he's trying to get in with the hip audiences. He knows Marvel's pretty big right now. So he's like, all right, only if Venom's in it. Venom was. Well, there you go. Kind of a Venom ripoff. It wasn't actually Venom. Uh, but I won't get into that. So, uh, this movie was directed by John Milius. Um, so John Milius, he's got a few credits. Uh, he wrote— he did write Apocalypse Now, probably the most critically acclaimed thing he ever did. He also wrote Magnum Force, which is a Dirty Harry movie. Uh, this one had Dirty Harry hunting down vigilante cops, which is kind of funny because I feel like Dirty Harry's kind of a vigilante cop anyways.

Um, they're calling me one of the cops.

Yeah.

They must be really bad if Harry's after him. I actually have seen this at some point, but I really could not tell you anything about it. Um, I gave it 2.5 stars on Letterboxd, so I can tell you that much.

So middle of the road.

Yes, not the greatest Dirty Harry film ever. He wrote something called Farewell to the King, which is about a World War II American soldier who's serving in the Pacific, but he deserts and he goes and lives with a native tribe in the jungle somewhere, and he somehow becomes king of the tribe. However, things go bad when soldiers start parachuting in looking for local help in the war, and they find him and his tribe.

That sounds like a conflict of interest.

Indeed. He doesn't want these people to be sucked into the war, but guess what? War finds him.

Oh, is that the tagline?

I don't think so, but it should be. Yeah, he even says, guess what? War finds him. Yep. Yeah, he gets sucked into it. So that's too bad, I guess. It's also kind of weird he just took over a random tribe in the jungle.

But very Conan, kind of reminded me of Conan a little bit.

He was king. So, uh, this movie was also written by John Milius, um, and Oliver Stone.

I saw that, Oliver Stone.

Very strange. So Oliver Stone's a pretty big name. He directed Platoon, JFK, which we've talked about a little bit ago. I hope he makes it— I hope he makes it a JFK movie about his hidden fantasy novel. He directed Natural Born Killers. He likes to direct like real-life event kind of things. World Trade Center was something he directed. The Untold History of the United States, Snowden, JFK Revisited, Through the Looking Glass, JFK: Destiny Betrayed. I was kind of surprised to see his name on Conan because I do not associate him with fantasy or anything like that at all. But he's also produced a bunch of different things, um, most pretty similar to what I just stated, JFK-related and whatnot. But he did produce a movie called Blue Steel. which I've seen, uh, directed by Kathryn Bigelow and stars Jamie Lee Curtis. It's about a rookie cop who gets into danger when the psycho killer guy becomes obsessed with her after he sees her stop a robbery.

Who's the, the psycho killer in that?

Great question. I think it was this guy that we all know, uh, Ron Silver.

I'm trying to think if I've seen that movie before.

Yes, I believe it was Ron Silver, but I could be wrong, or it might be Clancy Brown.

I think I've seen at least parts of that, but it's good.

I like it.

My dad used to let me fall asleep on the couch a lot.

To Blue Steel?

No, just whatever he was watching for the night. So like, you know, he'd let me fall asleep down there.

Good night, sweet prince. And he'd rub your head and turn on Blue Steel.

You know, in the falls on Monday night, it'd be Monday Night Football, but like, you know, any other night it would be some kind of movie or something that he was watching.

Okay.

I probably saw bits and pieces of that as I fell asleep.

I wish it was a combination of Blue Velvet and Real Steel and the movie Steel with Superman.

Yeah, yeah, I wish that all 3 of those were combined and Blue Beetle.

So all those things wrapped up in one would be an amazing—

that'd be the perfect film.

Well, at least 2 of those things probably could happen in the, uh, dude, that's good crossover.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the blue velvet part might be tricky. Blue Steel might be tricky, but we could— you know what, we could— maybe Blue Beetle gets obsessed with Steel after seeing him stop a robbery, and then there's creepy weird stuff happening as well.

Blue Beetle finds Shazam and the scarab leaves him and goes to Shazam and Shazam becomes Steel.

There you go.

What it could be. I'm all for it.

There's a lot of potential here.

A lot.

Bring it on, James Gunn.

James Gunn.

This is the script. James Gunn saved the DCU. Is this right now? Yeah, phenomenal flop after Supergirl.

There's nothing could save—

there's nothing could save this now.

Blue Beetle, Steel, Blue Velvet, and Blue Steel and Real Steel as well.

We might as well just be pitching this to Zack Snyder at this point. I mean, it's gonna go back to him.

Well, yeah, of course, he's the only thing that could save Any— the world, probably.

Well, he's the only guy with the artistic vision. Yes, ever.

Yeah, damn, the most powerful man in existence let his father die in front of him 20 feet away.

Wait, what are you talking about, Batman?

I'm talking about Superman.

Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah, the tornado. Dad says no, you can't say—

Yeah, let me get eaten by a tornado.

Because it's worth its son. Yes, it'll make you sad and grumpy. And then when you're an adult—

yep, look, look, he peaked. He peaked.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Um, I was reading about the writing of this film, and so originally they recruited, uh, the Marvel Comics— like the guy who was doing all the Conan Marvel stuff. Okay, Roy Thomas. He was gonna make the script. He had started writing a draft when Oliver Stone was brought on, and they basically scrapped anything that Roy Thomas was doing because it was Oliver Stone. And, um, Oliver Stone's vision was like a 4-hour epic. Conan and other champions were defending a princess's kingdom from invaders.

Okay.

This didn't take place in the past. This took place—

It took place in the future?

Yes, post-apocalyptic future.

Okay.

Conan's fighting hordes of mutants. All right, I mean, I'm not against that.

No, so the thing I found interesting about Conan is it does take place on a different planet. It takes place on our planet, just on a civilization that existed before, uh, ancient history. So yes, it was Earth, and then whatever pre-ancient civilization like Atlantis got wiped out, and then humans had to start over.

Oh, interesting. I just assumed it was just some unnamed planet with like a history of their own and stuff.

It's Earth. It was before Earth, and then after Earth would have been this other Conan.

After Earth. Which would have been a Smith film. Yeah. Yeah.

Because this, I mean, it sounds like really weird to try and do it in the future. Like the people that were originally behind Conan be like, no, we got a thing going on here.

Well, he's dead, so I don't think he'd make a statement.

Oh, he was dead by the time they did the movie too?

Robert E. Howard. Yeah, he died in the '30s. He died.

Oh, oh geez, I didn't know that.

Yep, yep. But, uh, yeah, I apologize. You should.

Sorry, Howard estate.

Ghost of Robert E. Howard, he is listening. Um, director John Milius called this, uh, this vision of Oliver Stone's a, uh, drug-inspired fever dream.

I love when stuff's called that.

I was like, that makes me want to see it.

And honestly, probably not the first time that somebody said the Oliver Stone.

No. Yeah, probably not. It did sound kind of cool. I was like, at first I was like post-apocalyptic future, but like, you know, way that could kind of work with Conan because yeah, it's like an unknown point in history, you know.

So even if it's not Conan, it just sounds like a cool concept of a movie.

Yeah, sure. Just make it that King Cole, whatever that guy's name is. Yeah, Cole the Conqueror. Yeah, there you go. Uh, so of course this film stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan, the man himself. I think we have not officially watched any movies with him in it yet.

No, it's our first Arnold movie.

I think it's definitely talked about him. We've definitely talked about him. I remember us talking about him quite a bit actually. But yeah, I'm surprised nobody's ever picked an Arnold movie before. I'm kind of surprised I'm the first one to do it.

I am surprised.

So of course he starred in a bunch of big movies. So in almost all those Terminator movies, he was in Predator, True Lies, Jingle All the Way, Total Recall, The Running Man.

I like how you threw Jingle All the Way in there.

It's a huge movie. Huge. Twins, like he said, that's huge. They never did make that sequel, did they? Triplets? Um, no, thank God. He starred in 2 Conan films, so Conan and Conan the Destroyer. He was also in another Robert E. Howard adaption Red Sonja. Oh, so I don't know much about Red Sonja at all.

Me neither, other than Gail Simone writes a bunch of Red Sonja.

Yeah, I knew she's like a big comic, and then I, I, I always just assumed she's very Conan-esque barbarian lady. So she's like a warrior, roams the lands on adventures. Um, in the movie she's trying to avenge her family's death. Kind of like Conan, I guess. Kind of. Um, so I thought seeing this, I'm like, oh, Arnold's coming back as like a cameo as Conan, right? Why would— that's kind of weird. But no, he's, he's coming back as Lord— he's not coming back, he's being a new character, Lord Kolomondor.

Really?

I have no idea. His name is Lord Kolomondor.

Oh, I thought he was— I, I honestly, I thought he was still Conan in that.

Yeah, you look at the poster for Red Sonja, it looks like Conan with that big old sword. He's huge on that poster. But now he's Lord Kolomondor, not to be confused. Weird. Yeah. And he teams up with Red Sonja.

Is it Brigitte Nielsen playing Red Sonja?

Yes, I believe it is.

Maybe.

Let me just take a look here. There's a lot of Red Sonjas apparently.

What the heck?

Oh, here it is.

I think they just—

it just felt like a new animated one, I think too. Something like that.

Yeah. And there's a new live action as well. It was a very short theatrical run because I remember my friend sent me the trailer and I was like, wait, really? But yeah, I just thought that was weird. Um, but hey, Arnold's in it too. It's kind of exciting.

Now see, that one I think I saw a lot more when I was younger.

Red Sonja again?

Yeah, because that was another one like the, you know, whatever the local TV network would throw on on like a Saturday or Sunday afternoon type thing. They would pop up every now and then.

Okay.

Um, and just like, you know, reruns of it would play on and stuff like that. Might be that I saw that before I saw the Conan movie.

Oh wow. Okay, so you knew Arnold more as Lord Kolimandor rather than Conan?

I—

and I did not know that was his name. I just think I assumed he was Conan the whole time.

Conan the Barbarian was— is considered Arnold's first like big breakout role where it was like a big success.

And they let him actually talk his actual voice. Yeah.

Yes. They didn't like redub him or do anything.

Yeah.

So we can thank this movie, you know, and maybe Terminator a little bit for his success.

Maybe Terminator.

This movie also stars James Earl Jones as Thussala Doom.

Mm-hmm.

Well, name.

I like that.

He'll return in Avengers Doomsday.

Thussala Doom versus Doctor Doom would be kind of awesome.

I agree.

Why do we even need that? Why do we need Doctor Doom when we have this guy?

Unfortunately, James Earl Jones is pissed. So you'd have to get Robert Downey Jr. to play Thussala Doom.

To play Thussala Doom.

Thussala Doom.

Thucilla Jones.

Thucilla Jones. That's a good name.

Yeah, that's a— that, that sounds like, uh, like, uh, what's the— what's the guy who does Hellboy? Uh, Mike Mignola.

Mike Mignola.

Yeah, that sounds like one of his characters. Yeah, that sounds like one of his characters.

Thucilla Jones, detective. Arcane detective.

First it's Lobster Jamsen.

Yeah, snake detective. Thucilla Jones, the snake detective. How about that? Half snake, half detective.

Snake dick.

No. Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. I like that. That's pretty good. I was against it, then I really liked it.

His special power is he's got a long serpentine penis.

It's like that guy from The Boys, except for this is actually a snake and it talks. Drink too much water today, boss. Gotta go. Oh, all right. Um, so probably most iconically, he is the voice of Darth Vader.

Yes.

His voice is pretty much instantly recognizable to me. I really—

Yes.

I know when I hear it, um, it's either Darth Vader or Mufasa from The Lion King. That's what I hear. He was also in Exorcist II: The Heretic, which is one of the weirdest and also not very good at all movies I've seen, but it's very bizarre. Uh, he was in Patriot Games, Excessive Force, The Sandlot, Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult, Click, many other things. Uh, I was scrolling, just trying to find something to catch my eye, and then I saw something called The Annihilation of Fish. Oh, he plays fish. So my imagination is going crazy. My imagination, I'm like, oh my God, they're killing all the fish. And he plays all the fish.

He plays all fish?

Yes. Yeah.

But just his voice over and over again for every fish.

Yeah. He just voices every single fish. That's what I was hoping. But, um, it's about an elderly couple who fall in love and find Romance after living alone for a long time.

No, what does the fish have to do with anything?

That's just like his nickname, I think. Fish.

Oh, that's a bad name.

Yeah, like he has an he has like a name and then he's like my name's actually Fish. That's what he says. So I don't know.

I don't know.

Um, there's a scene in the trailer where he's fighting an invisible force or something. He kicks it out the window.

Are we talking about Annihilation Fish or are we talking about Star Wars again?

Annihilation Fish. He's fighting something that nobody can see. Um, and he kicks it, something falls out the window because a bush starts moving as if it got hit by something. So I don't know what's going on with that, like if it's imagination or what. It seemed real to me. I was expecting more fish in the trailer, but it's just one guy named Fish. Yeah. Oh well, you can't win them all. You can't win them all.

Probably one of the greatest voices in the, the history of movies.

Oh yeah, or voices.

Yeah, or voices. Yeah, he's a classic.

Yep, I agree, I agree. Um, the last person I'm going to talk about is Sandell Bergman, who played Valeria, Conan's friend, girlfriend, and coworker.

Uh, now you just said her name is Valeria. Do they say her name ever in the movie?

No.

Okay, I didn't think so.

Okay, no, they don't. I don't— not that I'm aware of. They don't say like anybody's name in this except for Conan and Thussla Doom.

Thussla Doom. And the other guy says his name, uh, and the only reason I noticed it is because I had to go find the clip and I can't remember what it said his name was.

It's like, yeah, I can't remember. They say it once and expect you to remember forever.

Yep, you gotta know.

She's from Kansas City, Missouri. Pretty cool.

Now we see why we picked the Missouri side though.

Yep, because she crossed the river somehow. This, this, this. So she's been a lot of stuff, though not a lot that I recognized. She was also in Red Sonja.

Oh, so the same character?

Yeah, Keith— no, Keith probably knew her more as the Evil Queen who killed Red Sonja's family.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where I recognized it from. Now I know.

But it's kind of odd that Arnold and this person are both in It is very strange, but they're not reprising their roles. They are totally different characters. Completely different characters. And completely different might be a strong word. I know, uh, Sandahl Bergman probably is different. Arnold might not be that different. No, his range is probably slightly different than Sandahl's. But she was in 48 episodes of The Dean Martin Show as Gold Digger.

Oh, okay.

She was in the musical Xanadu. Oh, which is not about aliens apparently. I thought it was, but it's just people in love in Los Angeles. There's a movie she was in called Hell Comes to Frogtown we've mentioned before. Yeah. Um, you know, there's the classic tale of a bunch of fertile women being held prisoner by mutant frog people, and Roddy Roddy Piper has to save the day.

Roddy Roddy Piper, he's viral.

Yeah, he's viral and he's got to get in there.

Yeah, but they use viral.

Um, one of her most recent roles is in 2003, and it was something called The Singing Detective.

Oh, that sounds interesting.

Indeed. You'll never guess who it stars.

That sounds familiar.

You may have seen it.

I don't know who.

It's got Robbie— Robert Downey Jr.

Whoa!

Mel Gibson.

Whoa!

Never mind.

We're out.

Bald Mel Gibson.

Yeah, no, it's, you know, same Mel Gibson.

It's not more exciting if I tell you he's bald, middle-aged?

Oh well, I mean, that makes it a little more interesting.

Doctor.

It's still Mel Gibson though.

He's a doctor and he's bald. Yeah, um, maybe this is where they became good buddies.

He probably blames his baldness on Jewish people.

He probably does.

Mm-hmm.

He probably does. Yeah. This movie is about a writer. He's got this rare skin condition. He's hospitalized because of it. Um, and he starts hallucinating stories about a detective and like musical numbers. The detective is a singer as well. So he's like singing and stuff. And the writer's trying to remember, like somehow like these hallucinations he's having with the story and his real life are interconnected. They're interconnected somehow. There's some mystery. He's trying to figure out his past. Robert Downey Jr. plays the skin condition guy, I think, and also the detective. He plays a detective as well.

Oh, dual role.

Yeah, actually in the trailer they go Robert Downey Jr. and Robert Downey Jr., and it shows both of his— oh nice. Yep. And it should—

so it's not just a detective with a skin condition, it's a man with a skin, skin condition.

Uh, the man's got the skin condition, the detective is his hallucination who does not have a skin condition.

Gotcha. So it's like Fight Club.

Yeah, yes, but like skin conditions. Yeah, it's Fight Club basically with skin conditions and the hallucinations showing up at the the hospital. Like you know, it's this all real life and hallucination are starting to intermingle. What's real? What's not? Is Mel Gibson really bald? I don't know. I hope so. Um, but anyways, looks pretty weird. So yeah.

Oh God, dude! That's it. Goddamn it, Terry.

By Crom, that's it.

By Crom.

Crom, damn it, that's all I got.

We got, we got close. We got damn Crom close.

Mm-hmm. We got so Crom close.

Crom is like the by Crom or Crom. And yeah, they also in the books, Ishtar is another one they use quite a bit too.

Hmm, what's Ishtar the god of, I wonder? I don't know.

When you ish upon a tar. Oh, there you go. That's where it is.

Makes sense.

I agree. It makes nothing but sense.

Just like this podcast.

Just like this. You know what else makes nothing but sense? This podcast. And silence. Silence.

We're just letting this sit in. Just letting this sit in. Yeah, just let listeners let it sink in. We— you know what, we need to do that more in the podcast. Just let silence just sit in there for a second. Just—

you'd be surprised how much silence there has to get edited out. You would be surprised.

Let it marinate for a bit.

Yeah, there's lots of marination that just pregnant pauses all over the place.

Well, sometimes we gotta like, you know, yeah. You just ponder our thoughts. Mm-hmm.

Ponder the orb.

Yes, I like that.

There is a huge lack of orbs in this movie.

I don't think there's— is there even a single orb?

I don't remember seeing an orb at all. And to me, an orb is the found— a foundational element of sword and sorcery.

It is. Think of all the orbs and all these— like, the Eye of Sauron is an orb.

Yes.

Enough said.

I mean, that's the, the granddaddy of all orbs.

And others. But the first thing I thought of was Eye of Sauron, and I don't think I need to elaborate any further.

You don't need to.

Swords are not the foundation of sword and sorcery. It's orbs.

Well, I just said it's one of the foundational pieces. I didn't say the foundational piece, but it's definitely part of sorcery. Orbs.

That's true. Yeah, the crystal balls, crystal balls, floating orbs, 3 orbs like swirling around stuff.

Orbs are always involved in sorcery.

Radioactive green orbs. Yes, filled with toxins.

Yeah, I agree. And then swords are just swords, plain old swords. I, I was a little disappointed in this movie because Conan only buried— Conan only buried— I keep saying Conan like it's Conan O'Brien. Conan only buries his sword to the hilt like once this whole movie. It's in a snake head.

Yeah, he, he really hacks up that snake head though.

He does. Well, we're getting ahead of ourselves. We're getting a snake head ahead of our— ahead of ourselves. Let's talk about our viewing of Conan the Barbarian. The COVID of my DVD says Thief Warrior Gladiator King.

The king part's more implied.

Yes. And we're told he'll be like the same thing, right?

Yeah.

I mean, the, the voiceover explains that it's somebody telling a story about the king, so he's already like, yeah, yeah, I did dig that whole thing.

The voiceover part was unnecessary, probably.

There was a disturbing amount for me that was unnecessary. Like the first half hour, it does this.

This movie does that thing. Yeah, we're like, I was complimenting the stories where it's like you don't need to know anything. Yeah, just throw Conan in there, you figure him out within 10 seconds. All right, I get this guy. And then like, you know, it's like you don't need to know his backstory, but this movie just— it does what a lot of movies do, and it's like, well, we got to give you his origin story.

Yeah, his motivation. Yeah, but he's a damn barbarian.

It's okay, but yeah, it's not really that engaging either. It's got— it gets a lot more better like in the second half of the movie.

Yes, I think that the, the middle of the movie— and I don't think there was like a true midpoint— but the middle of this movie, like, that's when it, the, it kind of kicked in for me as far as the mood, like the, my interest in it.

It was just a big montage.

Do you consider the, you know, the midpoint, you know, quote unquote, uh, when, um Max von Sydow sends for him and, you know—

Oh, the king.

Yeah, that's kind of—

that's when it really starts. Yeah, when they start— I feel like the movie starts when the— they've robbed— they try to rob the temple and they steal— yes, the snake's jewel.

Yep.

And then that's when, like, it— I feel like that's when, like, every— the through lines, you know, it all starts to come together.

Yeah, after, uh, uh, Arnold does what, like 15 years or so of leg day basically?

Yes. Well, yeah, look, like that stuff, I don't care about that stuff. I don't, I really don't. It's, to me, it's, it's pointless and it really doesn't even come back because like I get Conan's motivation is that you killed my mother and my father.

It—

yeah, it— right. But I guess because like up until then he never mentions it once.

It's not— it seems— it never seems like a priority to him.

No.

And Thussla Doom even doesn't even care. He's like, oh yeah, I was a different guy back then.

I've been alive for 1,000 years.

I kind of like that where he's just like, I've changed, you know, that was the old me, I'm a cult leader now. Like, I like that part, but like also like it's just, just uneasy. Like, because yeah, you're right, Arnold doesn't really ever bring up that he's like, I miss my mom, I miss my dad. And it's like almost— I don't even almost feel like he's mad about that as much as he's mad about getting beat up by all his followers at that one point. Like, I don't know. Yeah, it doesn't really feel like he's ever like out specifically seeking revenge, but he does look for them.

He's kind of doing his own thing until he sees that, like, that's the snake symbol, you know, the green jade like snake symbol thing he takes with him. Uh, after they kill the— or when he— when they're about to leave and then they have to kill the giant snake. That's like the first time I think it kicks in with them that, hey, this happened.

Yeah, the Conan heist part of the movie. And but even before then, like, he, he shacks up with the vampire witch. Oh yeah, but like, was so— it was such a blip in the movie that paid no dividends because she's like, go to— I don't remember what, like, uh, Verkoesch. It doesn't matter what it was called because they never— when they get there, they go, welcome to Verkoesch. Like, yeah.

Also, like, there's like— it was one of those things where, like, you know, you, you kind of expect her to come back again at some point.

Nope.

Yeah, because she, because she's, she's like, you know, I'll, you know, tell you or whatever, but it's gonna cost you. I was like, Okay, he's gonna impregnate her or something. It's gonna come back to, you know, you know, get him later on. Also, after, after they do the whole, um, you know, they have sex and then, you know, she turns into a demon and he throws her off and then she like, you know, turns like the little fire thing and like bounces out and he jumps up, runs to the door and watches it.

Mm-hmm.

Immediately in my mind, I was just waiting for Arnold to go, I'll have what she's having.

What? Why would he say that?

Why would he say that?

To who?

He looks at the camera.

Yeah, yeah, looks at the camera and go, I'll have what she's having.

But that's a reference to a movie that comes out 8 years later.

I would love that if he did, but I— that would be so weird.

I think it's because— I mean, it's only because of the fact that we just watched it, uh, a while ago. But like, but like, like to see his ancestors and like you know, the craziest— the scene goes extra crazy and stuff. She takes off, he just opens up the, like, the little, uh—

I'll have what she's having.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it makes sense. Why not? He should have said that.

It would make the movie go up by half a star at least.

I mean, it's, it's— it was completely stupid, but that's the first thing that popped into my mind and watching, and I started laughing to myself while I was watching it.

That would— I mean, it would make me laugh.

So there were in that scene since we're talking about that, he— she invites him in and you're like, well, this is a trap of some variety.

Yep.

And then she's crawling, right? And all I could notice were the bottom of her feet, very clean. You think this woman lives in a world where clearly shoes don't exist for her and she lives on a dirt floor hut, they wouldn't be that clean. It was really— that bothered me.

That took you out of the film.

It bugged me. And then she did this like weird like Like she flicked dust into the fire and it made like a little explosion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is like, you're like, oh man, he's— well, I mean, we're all sitting there watching going, we're also going, wow, this is a huge trap of some sort. Yeah, like the whole thing with her, even like it's set up like there's some kind of trap or like something that should come back, you know, later on in the movie, and none of it happens. It's just there.

She tells him to go somewhere, but he goes somewhere. But you don't know where he goes.

It's not— it's not like, oh my— oh my God, this would make or break him. It doesn't feel like it. That never has that big significance to me. It's like— it's not like the rest of the movie takes place there or something. No, it's like he stops, he makes a pit stop, and then he's off.

Yeah.

Is that other dude just sitting outside the whole time?

No, he hasn't met her yet. He hasn't met him yet. He meets him directly after that scene. We watch him. So right before our opening clip, he walks out of that hut and turns the corner, and there he— I guess he is right out there.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Like, the guy's been sitting out there the whole time while he's listening to that whole thing. Conan's doing the whole thing, and then he looks at Conan and he goes, I'll have what she's having.

That was— again, that guy was talking about being hungry and like could be fed wolves, but like, and him walk around the corner and be like, oh, I'll have what she's having. I don't— again, I think it's only because we watched that movie like Like when the last couple months, you think that it's only because of that?

I I think it's only because of that too.

I yeah, I don't think that would have popped in my head normally, but I yeah, not normally. As soon as I saw it happen, I was like, ah, I love what she's having.

Yeah, good.

That that missed opportunity. But now you say that, I thought you meant like they were already wandering and he just waited outside while I went in there and bone.

No no no no no no. He he Conan went back in, he went back to sleep, and then he got back up and, uh, packed up and headed out for the day. And the guy's like, I'm wolf food, can you help me out?

Yeah, I mean, then they talk about gods. He does toss her though in a way that made me laugh as he threw her like over the fire into the fireplace. Yes, I'm like, oh, she, she's ragdolled.

Yeah, he really checked her.

Yeah, made me laugh. I enjoyed that. Um, all right, so we're talking about all the stuff that happened in the first like 30, 45 minutes. We're just like, Jesus Christ, it's like a lot of montage. Yeah, but it wasn't even a montage, it was just like a drawn-out, uh, exposition.

The best part of it was him spinning that wheel in the montage of him from kid to man. It was pretty cool.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where he's just like scrawny little kid, and then it cuts and he's like a little older, and then it cuts and he's just a beefcake.

He's still pushing the same wheels.

I loved it. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, and I'm like, wow, his legs should be huge, but his arms should just kind of be, you know, not all that much. But I guess maybe he does some other workouts. He's got— that's leg day, he's got an arm day at some point.

Yeah, you'd think if you are the bad guy here and you have this guy pushing the wheel, the moment he became enough to kill you and your crew, you stop, right?

Yeah, when he's like 3 times your size, it's time to end it.

Like, nah, let's cut off his legs or something, put him somewhere else. Like, it just doesn't make it—

like, it kind of seemed like they became buddies though. Like, when he became a gladiator, you know, that seemed like they were—

Well, he got bought by somebody else, right? Then somebody come— the red-haired guy came and bought—

Oh, did he get bought? I thought that was—

Yeah, they took him to fighting pits and— Okay, I thought this was all related.

And they gave him a woman and then told him to get the hell out.

No, they didn't tell him to get out. They sat there and watched him have sex with that woman.

Yes. And then like, like a whole bunch of them were like, they were like, then like a scene later they're like, all right, you can go now.

He let him go, but like secretively, like get outta here now sort of thing.

Yeah. 'Cause then they chased right after him shortly after. And that's when he ended up in, I guess what he thought was Krom's temple or whatever it was.

Yeah. And when he got into Krom's temple, I thought because they spent a lot of time when he was a kid on the helmets of the dudes, right? I thought he found his dad's sword. Oh yeah, I thought— yeah, that's why I thought the skeleton was one of the dudes that was part of that like raiding party.

But it wasn't, just some random— it might be Crom, it might just be something you found.

Yeah, because— well, you just said Crom like as an expletive. More than anything else, right? But then it turns out those 2 guys were still the same 2 guys and they didn't age at all over the 20 years.

The guy who has the giant hammer, he looks like what I envision, I think, like Conan looking like a little bit more. Like, I think like based on like the comics and stuff, like, you know, I'm not— I haven't read a bunch of the comics or whatever, but for some reason, I don't know what it is, just his look, I was like, he looks a little more like what I expect like Conan to look like. I think— I don't know, it's just like the longer hair and it being, you know, his shape and stuff like that. That's about the only thing is I kept looking at him going, man, this looks more like what the guy probably looked like in the comics. But they just had Arnold here, who's a physical specimen of— that looks like a barbarian.

Yeah. He does look—

his—

I feel like his face is a little off. He's a little too smiley at the beginning. I don't like how smiley he is. Which one, Conan or The other guy, young Conan. Oh, when Arnold's playing young Conan and he's like at the learning how to fight and stuff, and I'm like, he's too smiley. I feel like he should be more serious.

Oh, he's really excited about his bloodlust.

Yep, I guess so.

I need to look it up. I thought it was Kris Kristofferson as his dad at first.

I thought it was too for a minute. Yeah, yeah, I'm glad you looked it up because I didn't. I didn't want to step on the deep dive.

Yeah, yeah. I, I— speaking of helmets, uh, Doom's helmet is Very cool.

Yeah, yeah. With the snakes.

Yeah, with the snakes and then like the two fists together like this. He's got the other guy who's got the two snakes that like rise up almost like little towers or whatever they are. Um, but his— I, I liked his a lot. It looked, looked pretty cool.

Yeah, I thought, I thought Thoth Ladun was cool. I like— my favorite part of these like Conan books and the stories are like the weird fantasy horror, like creepy stuff. Mm-hmm. And we— you don't get— I mean, I guess you get the weird vampire lady, but that wasn't that great.

No.

I feel like with Thoth Ledum, it starts to kind of embrace the strangeness of like the occult, like snake stuff. Mm-hmm. I really like the giant snake. I like the, the weird hold that he has on all these people, even though it's like obviously like an evil cult, like where he's like, just can get somebody to walk off an edge and they'll just do it. Yeah, I really liked his like strange. It just was a weird vibe, and it's like this cult's just getting more popular. Like the king's like, "I don't know why everybody loves this so much." It's just a sinister feeling. I don't know. I really like the whole like set.

Much like hippies. Like they you know, it's their first walk up there. Looks like a bunch of hippies he's following along.

Yep, yep. And they're all about to like catch themselves on fire. I'm pretty sure for him. Like yeah, it's and he turns into a literal snake. It's awesome. I really like Thousla Doom, and like that it just brings that weirdness to the Conan stuff that I really like.

I kind of thought that was going to come back again. So like when he turns into a snake the first time and he slips out, I thought it was going to come back for like the final showdown, that that would happen again. And I think I was a little disappointed that it didn't.

I agree with that. And the transformation— It was awesome. The idea was awesome.

Yeah.

The execution was rough.

You didn't like him putting his arms up his sleeves?

I like that, but I'm talking about the face part, right?

Oh, that's the best part.

Like, they, they show James Earl Jones, uh, rubber head extending. I'm like, okay, cool, we're gonna see him turn into a snake. And then his hands pull up and then he's just got a snake head. Like, oh, we didn't get to see the, like, the American Werewolf in London sort of thing.

Were— yeah, I kind of just— now he's a snake. Yeah, yeah, he's just a snake. There was no transformation coming out or anything. Yeah, or like even with like the shadow, it could have been a little cooler. I do like just the image of that snake wearing like a hat and robe.

I like that too, but then all it was just ended up being a big snake that just went into a hole. He didn't do anything.

I like, like seemingly he turns into a snake, he doesn't even know Conan and crew are there.

He's just like, so was he gonna turn into a snake and then, and like eat those people that were in the thing?

He didn't even do that. He just went through a hole.

He just—

No, but like, was that, was that the point? Like he was, he changed that, he was gonna like—

I don't think he even knew they were there. I think he was just, time to go. And he was like, I gotta get out of here. Yeah.

That's the only— he just wanted to go to his room.

Yeah. And his room's in that little hole.

Oh, I locked the damn door. So the only way to get in is through the snake hole.

Just he's been thinking about that all day. Oh, I left my keys in my room.

And then he's he's got some he's got somebody else specifically who's like, all right, he just changed. He did the snake thing. Grab up his clothes. That turns back. He'll change. He'll change back later. Give it to him because he's gonna be naked.

He doesn't think anybody's gonna notice. Nobody. He's like he thinks like nobody knows he's a snake. Yeah, like nobody look at him when he turns. Let him do his thing and then we'll be like, where did he go?

And that's the thing. Like I don't think like Conan or either of his 2 partners actually see that transformation either. They're busy doing other stuff. But until they get up there, they see the snake slide away at the end. And I think they put 2 and 2 together. But that's why I was like, it would've made for another cool comeback thing around. Because I don't think Conan actually sees it.

No, nobody reacts.

So he would've actually— yeah, nobody reacts. Well, most of them are—

They're busy.

They're busy eating.

Yep.

Cannibal broth.

That and other things.

Yeah, it was a big orgy, Keith. Your takeaway was them eating cannibal broth?

You gotta keep your energy up during those things.

Keith did say he'd rather have the, the cannibal broth without the broth.

That's true.

I didn't— I did not say that. That's not what it's supposed to— it's not what it's supposed to come out saying.

But yeah, so like dude turns into a snake and you're like, badass. And then he never does it again.

It would have been nice to see him come back again. Yeah, as a snake.

This, this movie had a huge opportunity because in 1982 to do some badass stop-motion Conan versus a giant snake.

Yeah, he already fought one giant snake. Maybe that's why they didn't do it. They already had the prop, they just reused that prop.

But it would have been so cool to see like a giant, like larger, enormous snake. It's one that could eat Conan.

Yes. There's a lot of giant snakes in these Conan stories.

Yes, lots of— there are.

So I love when he finally gets Conan and, and he's, you know, they beat him up and everything, and, and then he finally comes, he goes, all right, I'll talk to you now. And, and Conan explains, uh, you know, explaining who he is, and he's like, ah, that's why you killed my snake. He's like, and starts naming like the other smaller snakes that are like upset about the whole thing.

Well, maybe my henchman— he's like, my henchman raised him from birth. He's seething with rage. You look at him, he's like got no reaction on his face. Yeah, I did like that speech. I, I really did like him as Thussla.

Yeah, he's a cool villain. He crucifies Conan, and that's a part that is actually the only thing in this entire movie that was in one of the stories.

Oh really? He got crucified?

Yes, and the vultures and stuff. And then I can't remember Like the love interest comes and saves him.

Yeah, I love— it's a little too close.

Yeah, I like that they were trying to eat Conan, those vultures, then Conan eats that vulture himself.

Yeah, that was pretty cool. I like that. And so then after that comes, in my opinion, the best part of the entire movie.

Oh, when they're, uh, they're trying to keep the—

they're trying to keep fighting off like the powers of death or whatever.

Yeah, they're coming to get his soul and take it away or whatever, and they're fighting them all off. Yeah, that's awesome.

More weird mystical stuff, like the classic Conan stuff.

His sorcerer buddy is like freaked out and runs back into his own thing for a while.

The girl, what was her name? Valerina?

Valeria.

Yeah, she's fighting them off, and they— whatever they did there with like putting in the, the like the skeleton ghosts after That was really cool.

That was— I loved it. And yeah, that's that perfect horror fantasy vibe. And it's like they're trying to drag her down too after she keeps fighting them off. Yeah, it's just awesome. And then, yeah, like, oh, if you do that, there's gonna be a price. Yep.

And then that was the end of like all the cool stuff. Like, after that, there wasn't any more cool stuff. Well, I guess Doom turns a snake into arrows. I like that.

I do like that. Yeah, I like the fight scenes and the—

the— yeah, they're all right. When, when Conan and dude ride up to Stonehenge or whatever that is there, where there's skeletons, why was there a standing horse skeleton with a man, a skeleton man on its back already there? Yes.

Um, I assumed his, his wizard buddy had like put the horse—

Died standing up. Yeah.

And so did his rider.

Yeah, with his rider.

Well, his horse died standing up, and the rider, he was like, well, what do I do now?

Might as well just die, I guess.

The horse is dead. But the horse—

like, a horse would fall over if it dies. I've never seen a horse die before, or a dead horse, but I assume—

I've never seen a horse die either.

I mean, I assume, I assume somebody put them back together like that.

I've seen plenty of things die, but never a horse.

Now the other thing is, once he set all of them up, like, and he put them all around that thing while they waited for, uh, for Doom—

They were already up. They didn't just set them up.

No.

Yeah, but they moved a few. They moved a few of them around. No, they didn't. They moved— they moved— they moved one of them around in order to hold one of the traps in place.

Yeah.

Yes. One thing I thought was gonna happen was that, like, they were gonna come to life and, like, be like an army for him.

The wizard would bring them back to life.

That would've been cool.

Yeah. But well, especially cuz when he went up there and he is like, ah, nothing burns up there. And all of a sudden Conan just walks up there and—

So what was the point of that?

Fire. Uh, to show that Crom is—

But no, what was the point of that? How does— why does nothing burn on this hill?

I don't know.

Just to prove later. Is it a mystery spot?

Just to prove later when he—

yeah. It's the unburnable hill.

Just to prove later when he does, when he does it. I think it's just to prove that like, He's got the power of the gods behind him.

The point of Conan doing it, but like, why wouldn't anything burn up there?

It's just— that's— I'm— it's right, it's a mystery spot. This is just a tourist attraction. Everybody's like, well, why is—

Because nothing burns from burning there, I guess.

I don't know.

It's really weird. And then if you know nothing is going to burn on a hill, why build a funeral pyre on it?

Because that's when they first figured out it happened.

Well, maybe that's the other thing. The other guy just never knew. He just assumed nothing.

That's why how the skeletons are there. They couldn't burn them.

Yeah, yeah, I guess.

But I did, I did think like, you know, because I was like, oh well, you know, Doom's gonna bring an army with him. Uh, so I thought maybe those skeletons were gonna come, you know, come to life or something, then do part of the battle with them, which I thought would be kind of cool.

You know, like when you don't have the numbers, you get them to go through Stonehenge.

Yeah.

Oh God. Yeah. It's the ultimate tactical battleground.

It is.

The Druids use Stonehenge just for those purposes.

Doesn't—

isn't one of those things he later on uses to help stop the Predator, right?

Stonehenge?

No. Yeah. The one, the one little, uh, thing that he, the, like the one main trap that they set that like swung out and stabbed, uh, cameraman.

Yeah, the spike trap.

Yeah, Hammer Man.

Yep. Oh, he's got some extra shoes. Yeah, um, he can't beat it. I, I think that's this— I think that's a similar thing that they use in Predator as well.

I think the Ewoks did it too. Oh, those Ewoks about the same time.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I bet you George Lucas saw the Ewoks watch Conan the Barbarian.

They were like, ah, Let's try this.

Nyub nyub.

I would love to see Conan dropped on the Ewok village.

Oh, Conan versus the Ewoks.

Yeah, Conan on Endor.

Oh man, Conan on Endor is a movie I would watch.

Or Conan on the forest moon of Endor.

Sorry. Yeah, not on it. We don't know what Endor is, but the forest moon of Endor, we know what that is.

I would love to see him.

It just ends with him sitting on a throne with like an Ewok skull like laid next, you know, on a wall next to him or something like that.

He's king of the Ewoks. All he's gonna do is take out, uh, whatever the guy with the bony face is. I can't— whatever the name of that shaman Ewok is.

You kill him, you're a king.

Yeah, exactly. You're now the leader of the Ewoks. But now I have a very important question, and it never dawned on me until we just mentioned it. Is it the— are the Ewoks on a moon that goes around Endor and it's the forest moon of Endor? Or is it the forest moon of Endor, like the moon's name is Endor?

Oh, I think it's floating around Endor, but you'd think it would have its own name and you wouldn't just call it the forest moon of Endor. Endor.

Yeah.

What shouldn't it have?

Endor refers to both. It's the name of a massive gas giant planet as well as the name of a famed inhabited moon.

Oh, why would you name the moon Endor? Like, that's a— like, it's like, look at the— our moon Earth.

Yeah, that's just— that's lazy.

Yeah, but that's the moon officially named Endor, which is orbited by 9 moons.

And is there a desert moon of Endor and a forest moon of Endor and a water moon of Endor?

There's 9 moons? And they named—

A moon of Endor?

They named the planet Endor and the moon Endor. And then they're like, well, we have 8 other moons. What are we going to call those?

Endor 2, Endor 3.

I'm trying to find out here. Um, well, there's a lot more than just Ewoks there. Okay.

There is. We never see any of them, Conan.

No, this doesn't really—

this doesn't really tell me. It's a whole race of creatures.

Of Conan. That would be cool.

They all look and sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It's like a hive mind. By Crom, they all yell in unison.

Yes, that's what— that's what no means.

Oh, if Conan could convert all the Ewoks to Crom. Oh, he's like a missionary sent by Crom.

It's a Crom missionary.

He will not listen to your prayers.

He's a terrible god. He doesn't listen to anything you say. He won't help you anyway.

He'll ask you a riddle when you die, and if you get it wrong, he'll laugh at you and send you to hell.

Yeah, you get ejected out of Valhalla for some reason. Uh, but I— but it is fun to say Krom and by Krom and Kromdammit.

I like Kromdammit. It's pretty good.

I like that.

Yeah.

Kromit.

Kromit. That's Wallace and Kromit.

Or Kromit the Frog.

Kromit the Frog.

Hi-ho.

All you'll know is pain.

Why does this movie start with a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche?

Why didn't it start with one of those weird poems that every single every single Conan the Barbarian story starts with some weird poem that Robert E. Howard wrote about the Conan world? Why didn't it start with one of those?

Yeah, Oliver Stone's influence.

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. Friedrich Nietzsche.

Like there could have been way cooler quotes that Robert E. Howard literally wrote.

It could have. Yeah, quotes, and then you just you know it's something you know like a quote and then say it's Krom actual quotes.

Oh yeah, Krom said it. Krom, you just make something up that's cooler than that and say make up a man who said it and say like in the in the Hiberian Age twelve.

Yeah, anything. It could have been anything, but for some reason it starts with the German philosopher God is dead Friedrich Nietzsche. Is it Nietzsche Nietzsche Nietzsche? I don't know what how to pronounce. Whatever it is, why? It makes no sense and it is not thematic of the movie.

No, it really isn't. Well, did we do it, boys?

Did we get through Conan the Barbarian?

I do believe so.

Yep, I believe we did.

All right, well, what'd we think of Conan the Barbarian?

I really actually enjoyed this quite a bit. I feel like I like it more that we've talked about it. Um, it does have flaws. I think that the plot is a little bit, um, sporadic. It doesn't really have a strong thread until maybe 40 minutes into the film, maybe longer.

Yeah.

Um, but the montage stuff's okay. It's just not, uh, gripping as Slater stuff. And like the It's got some highlights, but yeah, it really kicks in once they find the villain, they find his lair with the cult and all that stuff. That stuff's— it's when it gets kind of good and starts to embrace, I feel like, the world of Conan, which Robert E. Howard invented. And I feel like it kind of starts to all come together at that point. It's not like the greatest movie of all time, but I think it's pretty enjoyable. I think it somewhat captures the spirit of the stories too, which is nice. Somewhat.

Yeah, I, uh, I enjoyed it for the most part. I think there's There's some chunks that are just kind of slow, uh, through it. You know, there's a lot of, uh, riding on horses across the same looking territory over and over again. Uh, but for the most part, I mean, it's, it's not a bad adventure that— and it's, you know, there's not a lot of— there's more dialogue obviously in the second half once he meets up with more people, but like, it's a, it's a pretty quick, you know, They get— they do get to the action. It does seem slower than this, but once they get to it, it kind of kicks in. And it's got like a lot of cool lore going on there. I kind of wish— like, they hinted at, uh, you know, as him being, uh, King Conan at the end there, showing him like much older. I kind of wish we would have seen— gotten to see a movie like that.

There's theories that's in the works, that they're gonna make a King Conan movie with Arnold coming back. Yeah. Uh, get hyped.

Yeah, I thought the movie was fine. I didn't particularly love it. I really wanted to going into it because I spent so much time ingesting Conan, Conan, uh, this last week. Um, and they didn't really do anything for— like, the books didn't really— and stories didn't really inspire it other than the name. I thought the setting was too caveman-ish for me.

Yeah.

It felt like Ooga Booga, like nobody spoke English or barely, right? You know, it's like, oh, fire bad, sort of, sort of approach to it all. And yeah, if you get rid of that first 40 minutes and then, uh, find out a way to make the Beck a little more— because once he kills Doom, he just, you know, He's like, I'm your dad. No, you're not. Chop off your head, throw it down some stairs, movie over.

I love how, yeah, the, the followers are like, well, all right, and they just like throw their torches in the— well, shit.

And then, and then it just shows him just sitting there on the stairs like, yeah, yeah, what should we do now?

Whatever.

Yeah, this movie did not need to be like over 2 hours long.

No, God, no. It was way too much, but it was a fine movie. Like, I realized why I hadn't seen it before, because it's just okay, right? Like, it wasn't— it's not like somebody like, oh, you gotta see this. Like, it's fine. Yeah, like, if it was awesome, I would have seen it by now, I think, just because it's been around for 45 years.

Yeah, yeah, I bought the 4K, uh, release of it that came out recently. Looked really good.

Looked really nice. I got the collector's edition widescreen DVD.

I'm sure that looked great too.

Yeah, on my computer screen, it was perfect.

All right.

Well, we know what we thought. What did the internet have to say? Well, on August 7th, 2025, pretty recent.

Wow.

Kenna is Subway had this to say.

Okay.

This one. This movie is what launched me into a lifetime of loving sci-fi and fantasy movies. This came out when I was 6, so I probably did not see it until I was 8 or so. I was greatly influenced by this movie. I, like so many young boys in the '80s, idolized Arnold and wanted to be built like him. This movie has it all. It is epic. Costumes are great. Scripted fight scenes. Overly macho men. The full hero's journey. And the musical score. Not enough can be said about how wonderful the score is to Conan. I didn't really like the score. I thought it was too whimsical.

Sometimes it was good. Sometimes, yeah, it was a little too uplifting.

Yeah. If you hear the music, you instantly can see scenes from the movie in your head. Some of the quotes are still used today. This movie made Arnold the '80s and '90s world action hero and not Terminator. Without this movie, I seriously doubt we would ever gotten Gladiator, Braveheart, and so many more.

True.

This movie revitalized the sword and sandals fantasy movies that so many of us enjoy. Epic performances from James Earl Jones, Max von Sydow, and Arnold. What isn't there to like? 6 found that helpful, 0 not so much.

10 out of 10. High praise. I do agree. I don't think the score is that great. It's okay. Some parts are good and some parts are, yeah, too much. Just too much. It needs some like, like, I, I feel like some like real heavy slow metal, doom metal. Yes. I always envisioned that Conan world just like this grungy, low, doomy, like boom boom. just droning kind of stuff.

And less Danny Elfman.

Yes, more depressing and like more like just like intense, in-your-face kind of thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Not to be outdone, October 16th, 2019, Nikita Lynn Ivenko had this to say. Here we are, Born to Be Kings. It's big and it's dumb and it's loud and dot dot dot. I can't even call this material plastic. I don't know what it is. Notice how I said material and not substance, as this has absolutely none of the latter. Oh, Ralph Bakshi's Fire and Ice came out of the following year, quickly made to bank on the financial success of this eyesore. And yet it is this movie that feels like the lazy studio-mandated live-action adaptation of that cartoon.

Hmm.

This movie has all the thrills and spectacle, spectacle of going to the park and taping a Dungeons and Dragons LARP. No, seriously, I've seen videos of people playing tabletop D&D more thrilling than this. Gary Gygax could have written a more interesting narrative from Howard's pulp. And the most baffling thing is that this was co-written by John Milius, co-writer of Apocalypse Now and uncredited co-writer of Dirty Harry, and Oliver Stone, and directed by Milius or Milius, however you pronounce it. I think it's French, right? Milius? I don't know. These 2 got together and decided, hey, let's write the laziest D&D campaign we can. And then Dungeon Master Amelia squeezed Artie into a loincloth, and that's the whole movie in a nutshell. You'll have a better time if you make this into a music video, mute the movie, and skip ahead to the battle scenes, playing the Highlander opening by Queen over it.

Yeah.

4 found it helpful, 48 not so much.

Wow.

1 out of 10.

Pretty harsh, I think. Pretty harsh.

I agree.

I get what they're saying a little bit, but too harsh.

We got through it, I guess. Yeah, we did that.

Indeed we did. I don't think there's anything left for us to do.

Nope. That leaves us with nothing to do but—

All right, good. Talk to you next week.

Go to bed. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, Keith drank coffee for this. We gotta do the goddamn wheel.

Oh yeah.

Yes, I'm excited. It's time.

It's time. It is time. What we did was we, uh, went through all the movies that were mentioned or tangentially mentioned through the last 3 weeks. We each picked one and we put it on the wheel. So Keith, what did you pick?

Uh, I'm gonna go with the movie that's been mentioned twice on Deep Dives this year, and that is, uh, Hell Comes to Frogtown.

Hell Comes to Frogtown. Terry, you went with?

Uh, I'm trying to keep the Robert E. Howard train going with Red Sonja from 1985.

And I'm going with Let Me In, this Swedish vampire movie.

That's a remake of a Swedish vampire movie.

That's Let the Right One In, isn't it?

Let the Right One In is the Swedish one. Let Me In is the American remake.

Oh, I want Let the Right One In. I want, I want that one in.

Oh, I have seen that one then. Okay.

Okay, well then we'll do Let Me In.

That's— No, no, no, it's fine.

No, I've seen both of them.

So I've said, I said, let me—

a while.

That's where it is. We're doing the American remake of the Swedish vampire movie.

Yeah.

And then Spin Again, and I put that I doubled them up a couple times on the wheel. And just as a reminder, vetoes have been reset.

We all have one.

We all have one.

Yep. Mine comes with Conan-type vengeance.

Oh no.

Oh good.

Well, hopefully we'll forget why you're trying to do this. So just halfway through.

Maybe pays off at the end. Who knows?

All right.

You guys see the wheel?

Yes.

See it spinning? The moment somebody, one of you says, go ahead and spin, I will go ahead and spin.

Spin.

You gotta say the whole thing.

Go ahead and spin.

There we go.

Really? I have to say the whole thing? Yes.

It doesn't work unless you say the whole thing.

And it lands on Red Sonja.

Well, well, well.

What a deal. Oh, well, well, indeed.

Surely it won't get vetoed.

No, I won't veto that one.

I'm not gonna veto it either.

All right.

Because the other 2, I'm not like dying to see, so it's fine.

I honestly, I'm really, really shocked at this. I really thought at least one of you was putting A Clown in Babylon on the list.

It's just not watchable. You have to like order it on Amazon. And it's like an hour long. I think it's a TV mini movie or something.

Yeah, like there's no, there's no way we could all watch it.

Yeah, uh, YouTube, I looked up on there, they have a bunch of chapters of it. It's like 30 chapters each, like 2 minutes long or something.

Okay.

But I just, it's— but I was, I was really expecting at least one or both of you to have that on there.

No, if we could both pick it, that would be awesome.

Yeah, yeah, because then I was gonna just have to default and say fine, it was just, I'll make that my pick too. And then the wheel just keeps picking Spin again.

Great. Yeah, possible. I mean, the wheel knows that it's unwatchable.

All right, we did it.

We got through the, the 3 weeks of From Page to Screen, and we're on to Red Sonja. Or that's my wife's name, but she pronounces it Sonja. So Red Sonja.

S-O-N-J-A.

Maybe I'll get her to watch it.

What's that? Who knows how you actually pronounce it? Red Sonja? Yeah, Sonja.

Well, she pronounces it Sonja.

Yeah, she's the expert, she'd know.

I guarantee I can't get her to watch it with me.

Even if it's her namesake?

Even it's her— especially because it's her namesake.

Oh, it makes it harder to watch?

Yeah, I guess she doesn't want her name to be sullied by Red Sonja. Great. It's gonna be great.

We don't know how silly it might be.

I'm gonna say, much like Conan the Barbarian, if it was great, I would have seen it by now.

Yes, I think I would have heard, you know, done a lot more. I'd have a lot more knowledge about this thing.

Yeah, so, uh, we got that. More Arnie. 2 Arnies back-to-back. Arnie movies.

That's exciting.

I don't think he's like the The main star on that one, is he?

He definitely co-starred. If you look at that poster, you would think he is.

Yeah, number one.

He's—

yeah, he's very much on the poster for it.

He's the Red Sonja.

He could be playing Red Sonja. That would be kind of cool.

The gender-bent Red Sonja known as Conan.

Yeah, just, just literally just Conan. Yeah.

Yep.

No, he plays Lord Kylador, so Yeah, the famous. Legally distinct.

Yep, legally distinct. All right, well, we're off to that next week. Next week.

Exciting.

That leaves us nothing this week than end this the way we end everything.

True.

The wizard. Thanks for listening to Fumbling Through Film. New episodes drop every Thursday. Got feedback or questions? Email us at [email protected]. You can see our films to fumble before you tumble into the grave and other musings on Letterboxd at Fumble Through Film. The through is T-H-R-U. You can also follow Keith on Instagram @kg3030lives and on Letterboxd @kg3030. Terry is on Letterboxd @terry2099. Derek is on Letterboxd @derek9. All original music is done by the Dr. Dre of Kansas, Terry, so hit him up for them bangers. Our new podcast logo is done by the delightful and talented Sanjay Vicky Nayak. You can find her on Instagram @einkstein. That's Einstein with a K in there. We'll see you next week as we keep on fumbling.