The Shaw Brothers: The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires (1974)

Gather together from the cosmic reaches of the universe. Here in this great screening room with comfortable recliners are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled.

Keith, now, as mentioned earlier, spoiling deep dive.

But Terry, I'm just gonna tell you, if the Iron Fist King shows up to me and makes me comply, I'm not gonna pretend like I'm. I'm going to.

Derek. He stole the skin. I never thought of it that way, but he sure did, didn't he? And the power twins Zap and Jordan with their magical lemur Snort Ded fumbling their way through movies one forgotten gem at a time. This week we watch Black Belt versus Black Magic. And the legend of the seven golden vampires is fumbling through.

Phil, I don't think we're going to find a village in all this wilderness. Maybe they've forgotten their way back. We could be miles from where we should be. Nayland, you are a great comfort to me. I'm sorry, but I. Oh no. We're on the right track and heading in the right direction. Sure of that. How do you know? Father instinct, perhaps? That I've been here before. Phelan, you've never seen the place yet. Every detail is crystal clear, strange, unaccountable. But it happens occasionally. You know just what's around that corner the moment before you turn.

Do you know what is around this corner?

We are approaching the village of Ping Kue and the lair of the vampires.

Hello and welcome to another one of a kind, genre defining, brand new episode of Fumbling Through Film. The only show I guarantee dares to bring together three dudes to talk about movies. But these aren't just any movies though.

Exactly.

These are exactly the ones we've either missed or overlooked or feel are simply worth revisiting. Sounds like any movie, which is. Keith, I gotta. I gotta join you on that soapbox. It is like normally I. Normally I don't say anything, but Keith brought it up and I gotta agree, that's just about any movie.

Usually you don't mention this, but this time you're really joining sides. You're usually a neutral party on this argument.

I'll take the blame. Normally I mute my mic when I say that and then. Yeah, yeah, I don't want to interrupt him. He's on a roll.

Yeah, we never want to chime in with the little comments here and there when he's doing his intro. We don't want to do that.

No, it's usually just smooth sailing. And when it comes to any movie or not any movie, I'm Like Switzerland. Neutral. I'm gray. Beige. I take no opinion.

But this time.

But this time, Keith said, I'm like, God damn it.

You just can resist the call.

Couldn't resist the call. You're right, Terry.

Maybe next week you'll join me on my side.

Well, joining me this week on my side is the Prime Minister of fumbling and film, Keith.

Hey, what's up, everybody? It's KG Fumbler extraordinaire. Side taker Supreme.

Side taker supreme. That sounds like something you get from, like, Taco Bell.

Yeah, like all side oops, all sides. Where you, like, go and get, like, the cup of beans.

Beans and rice. And they put.

Okay, now we're talking business ideas here. And oops.

All sides.

Supreme.

That may be the worst place to get oops, all sides.

Maybe it's. Maybe it's not just Taco Bell. Maybe we find something else.

But get the nacho fries. What else they have for sides? I don't know.

They give those beans and rice, those

nasty churro things, those nasty churro potatoes, Fiesta potatoes. Just like a big pile of gook. Always Supreme. So that means there's tomatoes and stuff,

but lettuce on there, I think.

Yeah.

Lettuce makes everything Supreme.

Oops, all sides. And then there's Oops, all side supreme, which costs about, like, a dollar more, but you get, like, sour cream on it, so that's nice.

That other one that's sitting here covered in sour cream and tomatoes is the supreme Dr. Dre of Kansas. Terry.

That's right. Today I've finally ascended. I'm no LONGER Just the Dr. Dre of Kansas. I'm the supreme Dr. Dre of Kansas. It's been a long time coming, but

this thing, you know, like the Sorcerer Supreme, Dre.

I was.

I was.

I was chosen. Yeah, I was chosen. A lot of hard training and a lot of sour cream involved, but I finally made it.

A lot of sour cream.

A lot of sour cream. That's the. Those are the best Supremes. When he gets lots of sour cream, just like. Yes. It's like a little treasure trove of creamy goodness.

Yes. I'm almost always happy when I find a little treasure trove of sour cream.

There's the actual. The Supremes, the Motown group. And then right after that, extra sour

cream, Extra sour cream. Supreme. Yeah.

And then there's Marty, right after that.

Oh, Marty.

And then there's Marty Supreme. Yeah, you're right. There's so many Supremes.

Yeah. Supreme Squadron. Squadron Supreme. Is that what they're called?

I Don't even know what that is.

Harperian and Nighthawk and all them.

You know, that's like a D list school. Marvel Squad.

Yeah.

See, they're.

They're like the Marvel's version of the Justice League, basically.

What? The Justice League isn't D listers.

Yeah, but it's Marvel's version and nobody

knows who they are.

Skyperian, Superman. Nighthawk is Batman. And then there's others that are equivalent to the other.

There's a character named Nighthawk, I think.

So that's his name.

Right. Where's he from?

Botham City, I think.

Makes sense. You know what else makes sense?

This podcast.

This podcast. It makes sense. Every week people like, ah, I get it. But usually they don't go, ah, I get it. Until after this part right here where I tell people what it is they're in store for.

Yeah, they always wait for that part.

I mean, after our opening, it's usually a little confusing because some sides are taken.

Normally I take no sides. No, I'm just. I'm purely informational.

But this week it's all sides.

It's all sides. Oops. All sides. Let's tell people what it is we do here. Every week we watch movies. But not just any movies. Every month, one of us chooses a theme, a genre, a guiding light. Some sort of.

Some sort of instinctual path that leads us to a clan of vampires ruling over a village.

Yeah, Pink Way. We're going to Pingue and we're gonna fight seven vampires, I think, but really six.

But then, you know, maybe a couple get taken out along the way. So it's not even that.

It's not even that. I can't tell who's a vampire and who's just a rotting corpse either way. That's a good point.

I think it's just the teeth.

Yeah, I don't know.

That's true.

Anyway, we do that. We all choose movies. In the fourth week, we party with a rando movie of Derek's wheels. Choosing of Derek's wheels. Choosing this month is DTF down to fumble. Y2 Year 2 M3 Month 3 W3 but before we get to W3, Terry, what was our DTF Y2 M3 theme?

It was Shaw Brothers films.

Shaw Bros.

So like their production company from, like Hong Kong, they did a bunch of martial arts movies. A little dabbled in other stuff. Mostly it was like well known martial arts.

Thousands of movies.

Yeah, lots. There's a lot of options to pick.

Churned them out for cheap and they probably made tons of money. Comparatively speaking.

Yeah. That pretty big international success. Or at least for a few of them, you know.

Yeah.

And then you had the first week, Terry. So what did you give us the first week?

That's right. I picked the Super Inframan.

Super Inframan from 1975.

A little power Rangers esque.

Yeah. Ultraman style.

Kamen Rider. Yeah, it's got a bunch of little. You know, little things.

Yeah. And then for the second week, I chose the 36th chamber. That 3 6th CH is a tough combination to like for me to say. 36th Chamber of Shaolin.

Mm.

Influential granddaddy of kung fu movies. Whatever. Wu Tang.

Yep.

And then this week was a Keith week. And he bestowed upon us the legend

of the seven golden vampires.

The legend of the seven golden vampires from a year I do not know.

1974.

From 1974. This is our oldest movie of this. Of this stretch.

We're going way back.

Going way back. Way. It's older than me. It's older than Keith. It's definitely older than Terry.

Definitely.

Yeah.

No question.

Now, before we talk about our viewing of the Seven. The. I'm sorry. The legend of the Seven Golden Vampires from 1974. Or before he even do a deep dive of this, I gotta keep turning my head to the DVD cover so I can remember the title. The legend of the seven golden vampires from 1974. Did any of us have any previous knowledge, history or experience with the legend of the seven golden vampires from 1974?

No.

No, no. Not at all.

No. No.

I didn't know this movie existed until last week.

Nope. Never heard of it. But I was intrigued when I heard the title.

And it's got Peter. It's got Grand Moff Tarkin in it.

Yeah.

That's how. Listen, when I see a movie, especially when I was a kid, if I'd see a movie, I'd first be like, does it have anybody from Star wars in it? Yes. Cool. This has got to be a good movie. No. Well, I'll give it a chance. Next. Does it have anybody from Indiana Jones in it, which also has an overlap with Star Wars? No. I will figure it out. And then it was like, is it should be from, like Different Strokes in it or another TV show I like.

Wow, that's a pretty steep job.

I know. Those are my barometers. Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Different Strokes. Okay, different strokes.

Or no, no, Derek doesn't.

Facts of Life. Something like that.

Do we really have to go then? Today I'm trying to think of the movies.

I always give it a Chance. But if it had one of those people. And I'd be. Is Emmanuel Lewis in this movie? No. Yep.

Go in there. It's crossed arms. As soon as you were revealed that you're watching the. Like that the. The cast list flow across the screen starring. No. You start shaking your head as they.

I don't know any of these names. And my name and face recognition. It's not like it's got gotten worse over the years. It's been pretty consistent. So even I've always seen a name that I should have known. I would have known it.

Oh yeah. I'm horrible with names.

The worst. The worst. Now I think what we need to do this movie doesn't. Well, we'll find out if this movie has anyone from Star Wars. It does. Or any. I don't think it does, but we'll find out because Keith Terry. We gotta relax because Keith's gonna take us closer to turn head the legend of the seven golden vampires from 1974 than we could have ever dared dream of getting another patent pending fumblers deep dive.

All right. All right. Again, this is the le. The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires 1974. Rated R. It's anywhere from 129 to like 140min depending which version you're. You're watching.

Mine was 129. I don't know if I get handled.

In their 11 minutes in the US this was actually released in 1979.

Oh wow. Later.

And it had a couple different names in the US including the seven brothers meet Dracula. And also the seven brothers and their one Sister meet Dracula.

Wow. Okay.

Like pretty. Pretty spot on with the naming here. It's Fist versus Fang in Dracula's Kung Fu Showdown.

Fist versus Fang.

That's cool.

I like that.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Well even better. Black belt versus black magic.

I like that as well. But this versus Fang. That gets to the point.

Yeah. And the other one that's on. I do believe it's actually on the Blu Ray boxes so big that it required three movie companies. Hammer Horror. Hammer Films from Britain. Dragon Thrills, which is Warner Brothers Kung Fu Area. And then Shaw Spectacle. The obviously the Shaw brothers. Which is what connects us into this. Again, this runs 75 minutes if you're watching the one version. And then there's 89 minutes of the original uncut UK version.

Uncut.

Yeah, I got the uncut version. Because there's lots of boobs.

Yeah. Mm.

Wow.

But they're unsexy boobs. They're just like boobs of Tortured women. Which is like.

Yeah.

I don't know if that's.

Yeah.

And there's a lot.

Surprising, huh? Surprisingly just like a ton. It's like, wait, they're all topless. Okay.

Like they're specifically targeting these women's shirts and ripping them off.

That's odd. Exactly. And they stop at the waist. I'm like, if I'm a vampire, I'm indiscriminate about the clothing I remove at all.

I'm a vampire. I'll rip off anything.

Who's gonna stop me? I'm a vampire. That's what I do. I'm evil.

I don't want anybody to think I'm some sort of creep by just ripping people's shirts off.

All. Yeah, I'm not.

There is somebody who's going to stop you. Who?

Who?

Professor Van Helsing.

Oh, China. Working at the university.

Well, in this. And that's in this movie. He's in China.

Yeah.

He's helping eight kung fu trained siblings reclaim their ancestral mountain village, now the domain of seven powerful vampires and their army of undead slaves.

Okay. That. Those must have been the gnarly faced people.

Yes.

Yeah, they were the slaves.

Undead slaves.

Yeah.

But they weren't vampires, so.

Nope. There's only. Only the. The main guys who wore like the masks, like the gold masks on them.

Oh, the gold masks were vampires.

Yes. Hence the golden vampires.

Yes.

I'm pretty sure that's the only thing that made them.

I thought it had to do with that golden bat thing. That.

That was one vampire's power.

Yeah, the golden. The golden bat sigil thing.

That was for one vampire. Do they all have sigils?

I don't know.

Yeah, I thought they all did. But like one of them gets like knocked off at some point and they put it on that statue and when it touches it, it bursts into flames.

Yeah, sure.

Really? By the time that we actually catch up with everything, there's really only six golden vampires.

Yeah. And three get jumped at the six gold.

Five golden vampires.

That's not what I want.

Then four golden vampires. Three golden vampires. Two golden vampires.

Then one Dracula two.

Fight. Who's not golden, but he's really English, but in the body of a Chinese warrior.

The skin of a Chinese man.

He's skin. I never thought of it that way. But he sure did, didn't he?

He did, yeah.

Wow. We'll get into that.

We need to make a song about that. I think that's a great idea.

The Seven Golden Vampires of Christmas.

Yes. Plot like every.

Like, like like, you know, like a Will Smith.

Yeah.

Rap song where you just basically break down the whole plot of the movie.

Or like the. The Hammer cartoon. There was a man who got some symmetrical shoes.

I can't wait to watch that someday.

I just love how the, the whole everything you need to know is in the theme song.

And then you don't really have to watch it after that because you already know.

Well, then you didn't know what's going to happen with those shoes. Yeah.

There's so much more potential after the story.

Wait, magical shoes. What can they do this week? I hope they dance across water.

Yeah.

Into the sky.

I bet he flies.

I bet you he does with those shoes.

He's got parachute pants, so hopefully he does.

Oh yeah. So the shoes like give up. Like, oh, we're so tired. He just falls gently to the earth with his pants.

There's so much dancing. Bin Bam. We're tired out.

I'll never forget the first line of that song. There once was a man who had magical shoes. I can't tell you what the rest of it is, but that part is like stuck in my brain.

Spurt into my brain too. I don't know how the rest goes either, but it's long and informative.

It's like 2 minute, 3 minute long. And it just goes down the plot. But that first part's really the part I need to know.

And then that's all you need to know.

That's got me hooked.

It's more than I wanted to know.

It may be the most catchy song in existence.

I agree. So catchy.

Sorry. All right, all right. So the theme this month is obviously Shaw Brothers. This is a Shaw Brother and Hammer films collab as I mentioned. And apparently when I first looked it up it said it was just Shaw Brothers and Hammer films. I. I'm guessing that Warner Brothers just helped with the distribution here in the

U.S. yeah, it's my guess too.

Yeah.

I don't think there's a Hammer films here in the United States.

No. This was co directed by Chae Chang is one of one of the most prolific directors for the now legendary Shaw Brothers studio. So we've probably already talked about him quite a bit. He did things such as the One Armed Swordsman, Return of the One Armed Swordsman, Duel of the Iron Fist, Five Deadly Venoms, the Kid with the Golden Arm, Dynasty of Blood, the Singing Killer.

Yeah.

Which is a reformed criminal turn pop headliner at a hip club in Hong Kong. And his past isn't exact common knowledge, but seems to have inspired some of his biggest hits.

Nice.

There was a man with Magic Shoes.

Yeah, that was his song. That probably.

That should be Everybody's song in 1970.

Started out like that. What's with man who did a podcast on Sundays? Yeah.

With magical shoes. Oh, any adventures you have to have magical shoes. Otherwise the song doesn't work.

In 1970, he did a movie called Vengeance. In 1920s China, a man returns to track down and kill the men responsible for the murder of his older brother.

Okay.

As I said, this was a Shaw Brothers and Hammer film collab, which meant this was co directed. So in addition to Cheng, Ray Ward Baker also helped out with this. In 1947, he directed the October man, which gets a 7 out of 10 on IMDb, so that's pretty solid score.

There once was a man in the 10th month of the year with magic shoes.

Yeah, it's always with magic shoes.

No matter what, you got to have magic shoes. After a while it becomes implied.

Yeah.

The October Man. When the murder of a young woman happens, her next door neighbor is under suspicion due to his previous stay in a mental hospital.

Because of magical shoes. If you put because of magical shoes at the end every log line, I'm interested.

When you read a fortune cookie.

Yeah.

You put in bed at the end because of magical shoes. At the end of the log line,

Mist vs Fang because of magical shoes.

It works.

Yeah.

Okay.

I like it.

Yeah.

He also did Operation Disaster.

Oh, is that like a precursor to Operation Dumbo Drop?

Yes. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. When it didn't work for. Right. The first time, it was a disaster. He also did a movie called A Night to Remember that actually gets a 7.9 out of 10.

I think we've talked about this one in the past. It's a K I G H T

or N I G H T. It's night.

I think we've had this conversation before.

Yeah. Because this is on our main voyage. In April of 1912, the unsinkable Titanic strikes an iceberg in the Atlantic Ocean.

That's right. We have talked about this.

Yes. And how much better it would be if it was K n I g H T. Yes.

Yes.

Still on the Titanic though.

Yes.

Yeah. Nighttime time travels to the day of the Titanic sinking and he has to stop it.

Yep. With his magic shoes.

Yeah. That's what helps time travel.

He also directed eight episodes of the Avengers, which we talked about during our James Bond talks. And he did 18 episodes of the Saint. Ooh. Which was another with Val Kilmer. Well, that's the movie. But the. There was a movie, or, I mean, TV show, came out around the same time as, like, the Avengers and those other things. Yeah. But in 1981, he directed the Monster Club. A horror writer is summoned to a Monster Club by an enigmatic elder there.

Monster Club.

Well, apparently, this guy. It's just what they call it. This guy invites him over, and three macabre tales unfold before him, interspread with musical interludes.

Oh, music interludes. I like that.

Yeah. It's a convergence of storytelling and performance that creates an eerie atmosphere.

I love this idea.

Monster Club.

Never even heard of it.

Yeah. Not to be confused with Monster Squad, the Wolfman Scott.

Nerds.

And an absolute horrible movie.

I. I rew Monster Squad's horrible.

It is so bad.

Don't ruin my childhood.

You're the last person I'd expect to say that.

Yeah, No, I had my family watch it last fall thinking it'd be, like, something cool to watch. And I was, like, all excited, and I was like, man, this. I. I actually apologized to them for that one.

Really? It didn't hold up at all.

Savage, though, right?

Yeah, I think he's in that one.

Yeah.

I've never seen it, but I've always assumed it was cool.

The Wolf Man's Got Nerds. That's all you need to know.

Yeah.

It's not a. That's the only good takeaway out of the whole thing.

It's, like, finally nice for someone to confirm that. That he does.

I know.

Yeah.

The part about him being a Wolf man is there's a presumption there of nards, but until he's kicked in said nards, it's not confirmed. Yeah.

You don't like the candle.

Yeah, that's true. We don't know if they're there or not, because maybe they got, you know, taken out surgically or maybe

it isn't neutered.

The Cat Man's got nerds, too, apparently. All right. Written by Don Houghton. He wrote Dracula ad 1972. He also wrote the satanic rights of Dracula. We'll get back to those two a little bit. A little bit more.

Was that Dracula AD 1972.

Christopher Lee is Dracula.

I just stop jumping ahead here.

And, Gary, don't ruin Keith's big deals.

Yeah. We already revealed something about the lead actor in this.

The Wolfman's Got Nerds.

Yeah, that's a real big spoiler.

Yeah. Don Houghton, also from. In 1970. 1971. He wrote some Doctor who.

Okay.

As well.

I don't the Dialects, I don't know which.

I don't know which doctor that is during that time there. But he has also listed scarf for

curly hair, one of the two.

He's also listed as the creator and writer for Take the High Road. The residents of rural Scottish village of Linder Rock deal with issues ranging from crop failures and parish pump politics, the infidelity, alcoholism and drug abuse. It ran from 1980 to 2003 and had 1427 episodes.

What?

Oh, 1000.

It's a soap opera. Clearly. Mind the Pump. What's it called?

Take the High Road.

Take mine.

The Pump.

I don't know what.

He was confused because I mentioned it was a Scottish village with crop failures and parish pump politics.

Oh, the pump politics.

Yeah.

There's where I heard the word pump. I wouldn't just come up with that on my own. Yeah. If anything, I'm a very good at regurgitating things.

It says only like 30 minutes per episode, so, you know, still. 1427 episodes.

That's impressive. That's. That's quite a run.

I wonder how many minutes total. That would be. How many hours?

Well, half of that.

True.

Yeah. There you go.

All right, thanks.

Hundred something.

Curiosity quenched.

Not a problem. All right, this also. Now, as mentioned earlier, spoiling the Deep Dive, but this does have somebody from Deep Dive. This does have somebody from Star Wars.

Oh, come on. That was your big reveal?

Okay.

Oh, man. You ruined them.

So this is something Derek would approve of.

It's a child. Yes, but I would have known the name Peter Cushing as a child.

Oh, you'd have to, like, see him once he popped up.

Yeah, and I'd be like, where do I know him from?

Then you have to think for the rest of the film.

But I'm so young. It's a small pool. The pull from, like, it's got to be.

You're missing other. You're missing other cool, like, details on the movie because you can't.

Can't focus this guy who's staring at his face. Come on.

At that age, I've only seen, like, Star wars and Indiana Jones. That's it. So it's gonna be one of those two, right?

Or.

Or.

Or different strokes or.

Or different strokes. Or the Facts of Life.

Oh, that's another one.

Okay, Benson. I used to.

Give me a break.

Give me a break with no Carter now.

Yes. Peter Cushing was in Star Wars. His Grand Moff Tarkin. He was also. Then later, technically, he's also in Rogue One.

Yeah, I don't count that.

But PGI Tarkin.

Yeah, it's listed as, like, inspiration archive footage or something like that on IMDb. It's not used. Yeah, they don't. Yeah, they don't list it under his. Under his acting credits and they shouldn't.

No, they just recreated his face and his voice with a computer.

It was a good job of doing it, too.

But, yeah, to some extent, Sure.

I mean, he's. He's nailing a lot of big roles here. He's obviously Van Helsing, the one that we're doing here. But at one point he was Doctor who in two TV movies. Doctor who in the Daleks and Daleks. Invasion Earth, 2150 A.D. okay. He plays Sherlock Holmes in the Hound of the Baskervilles, and then later on in a 1968 TV version of the character and again in a 1984 TV movie. Now he's also played Victor Frankenstein. Oh, he played in 1957, plays the good doctor in Curse of Frankenstein. 1958, he plays Dr. Victor Stein in Revenge of Frankenstein. And then he comes back a couple more times and plays Baron Frankenstein in the Evil of Frankenstein. Frankenstein created woman. Frankenstein must be destroyed. Frankenstein and the monster from hell.

Oh, that sounds cool.

Now, at the same time that he was doing that, he is also Dr.

Van Helsing in the same movie. Do rules.

Nope. All right, so there are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 Dracula movies in the Hammer films. Dracula series.

Hammer.

Hammer, yeah. Now, Peter Cushing plays Van Helsing in six of the nine of these.

Really?

Yes.

Impressive.

Yeah.

Recurring role.

Yep. He plays him in. In Dracula, 1958.

Dracula 1958.

No, no, in 1958. Plays 1960, the Brides of Dracula. 1972. Dracula A.D. 1972.

Okay.

And the Satanic rights of Dracula. And also obviously the one that we watched here, the seven. The seven golden.

Yeah, Discounts as well.

Yeah, discounts as well. Yes.

Meanwhile, opposite of him in playing Dracula in seven of these nine movies, not in the one we watched. Christopher Lee plays Christopher Lee, of course.

Yes.

So he plays him in Dracula, obviously, the Brides of Dracula, where, following the death of Count Dracula, the film continues the adventure of Dr. Van Helsing as he faces a different set of vampires, Baron and Baroness Meinster. All right. Then he comes back for Dracula, Prince of Darkness. The Kents are diverted from a former cast to the former castle of Count Dracula, where his former man servant, Clove seeks to use their blood to allow him to rise again. Dracula has risen from the grave while trying to exorcise Castle Dracula, the Monsignor inadvertently brings Count Jack back from the dead.

Oh, I hate it when that happens.

I know. If you're gonna bring back Dracula, do it on purpose.

Yeah. Of the two, that Christopher Lee doesn't play Dracula. It's the brides of Dracula. And it's the seven golden.

I wish they got Christopher Leo for this one.

Well, we'll get to that. Oh, yep, there's also Taste the blood of Dracula.

Oh, I love the idea of that.

After three distinguished English gentlemen accidentally resurrect Count Dracula again, killing a disciple of his in the process, the Count seeks to avenge his dead servant by making the trio die at the hands of their own children.

How many times is he getting accidentally resurrected?

Oh, scars of Dracula. After a huge vampire bat drops blood on his ashes, Dracula rises again to trouble Simon and Sarah, a couple on a lookout for Paul, who mysteriously disappeared.

Who are these people?

Not Paul.

Simon, Sarah and Paul. Damn it.

But Paul disappeared a while back.

No, unrelated Dracula, probably.

All right, Dracula AD 1972, which has Peter Cushing in it as well. He's back. As Van Helsing dispatches Dracula to his grave in 1872, the Dark Lord is raised by Johnny Alard.

Johnny.

By Johnny Alart. 100 years later in modern London, Johnny

Alucard Dracula spilled backwards.

That's suspicious. I wonder.

100 years later in modern London. And then Dracula prays on a group of young partygoers that include the descendant of his. Of his nemesis, Jessica Van Helsing.

Jessica Van Helsing.

Yeah.

Now this is sexy.

Now, this is a little confusing for me because this 1872 and then is when Peter Cushing puts him in the grave and he comes back in 1972. In the movie we just watched, Van Helsing is there in, like, 1804. Is. Is Van Helsing around in 19. In 1804. And then again, 1904. Because he must be.

Is eternal.

That's what it seems like.

That's what he is.

Yeah.

He's as eternal as Dracula himself.

Oh, wait, hold on. The. The beginning is in 1804, but then I guess, according to the plot summary, a century later. So 1904. That's when he shows up. Van Helsing.

Yeah. But I'm assuming in some of these other ones, I guess. I don't know the years. The other ones, but I'm assuming they're. I thought they were a little bit earlier than this, the 60s and stuff like that, but I guess they were finally made. The Satanic rights of Dracula. And after One of their agents is brutally murdered by a satanic cult that includes high ranking members of the government. The British Secret Service ask a Special Branch inspector for assistance. The inspector reunites with Van Helsing and Jessica Van Helsing to amass the cult's mysterious leader as plot involving a new strain of bubonic plague. Wow, that sounds like.

That sounds awesome.

They had a James Bond film set up and written up and somebody was like, no, we don't want to do this. So they adapted it to have Van Helsing Dracula.

Which one is that?

That is the satanic rights of Dracula.

Oh, it's Titanic rights. Okay, cool.

Sounds awesome.

I love it. Yeah.

By the way, mysterious cult, mysterious leader and his plot involving a new strain of bubonic plague sounds a lot like what Blofeld was trying to do in Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Oh, maybe a little bit. Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, James Bond versus Dracula would be something I'd watch.

Oh, God.

Oh man. Yeah. Bond teams up with Van Helsing and he.

Bond usually maneuvers at night as well.

Yes.

Q makes him some kind of like cool gadget that like shoots holy water or something like that.

The squirt gun. Yeah, he's got like UV glasses that shoot like UV light out of his eyes.

He's got like a crucifix thing that pops out of his wrist somehow. I don't know, like Spider Man.

Yep.

Oh, just. She just stream with Chris fixes that.

Yep.

They can also swing on.

Yeah.

Oh, sure. Why not?

Speaking of Bond, this movie also stars Julie edgy, E G E Edge. Yeah, she's the blonde movie.

She's a Bond girl.

I assume she was a Scandinavian girl in On Her Majesty Secret Service from 1960.

Yeah.

Wow, what a connection. Now how do we not bring this up during that?

I have no idea.

Dang. Who did that deep dive.

Probably because the Scandinavian girl was such a small character in that movie.

She was so integral that we looked at. She was a Bond girl.

Now helping out Van Helsing in this and. And Peter Cushing in this movie is David Chang. Hey. He's been in things such as Vengeance, which you mentioned earlier.

Oh, we talked about vengeance earlier.

Yep. He's also in the Singing Killer. He plays Johnny, the titular singing killer.

Uhhuh.

Yep. He's also in Duel of the Iron Fist, Dynasty of Blood, the One Armed Swordsman. Where's Officers Tuba?

Tuba.

Where's. So where apostrophe s. Uhhuh. So where's Officers Tuba?

Officers like Officer Tuba. Officer Tuba.

Yep.

Oh, his name is Tuba, apparently.

So Cool. But one other one that I saw here was he's also in a movie called King of Fists and Dollars.

Oh, yeah.

After a dire mishap at a mine causing many to die or become injured, Master Chain decides to not pay out any funds to survivors of the victims. The townspeople then ask the Iron Fist King. Yes, Choi Yang, to pay the master a visit and get him to change his mind. After the Iron Fist King shows up at Master Chins and defeats his top fighter, Master Chen decides to comply. Or does he?

I'm just gonna tell you, if the Iron Fist King shows up to me and makes me comply, I'm not gonna pretend like I'm. I'm going to. He's the King.

Yeah. He's got an iron fist and he's a king. Yeah.

I can't stop that.

No, I can't.

I won't cross that, man. No.

I can stop a king or I could stop an iron Fist, but I can't stop an iron Fist King.

Not at all.

It's impossible. Legally, it's impossible.

A couple of interesting facts here. Now, this is the one I. I was. So you guys didn't get too deep into the Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing talk of things. Christopher Lee tried to talk Peter Cushing out of doing the film as he considered it beneath an actor of Cushing status. Lee told Cushing that Ralph Bates would be willing to step in and do Cushing's role of Professor Van Helsing if he didn't want to. But Cushing replied that he thought the chance, or they thought the change of scenery might help his depression after struggling with his wife's death two years previously.

Okay. Well, did it?

Hopefully.

Okay.

This deep dive's always skimming the surface.

Yeah, I guess I didn't get close enough. I'm sorry, guys. Interesting thing here is. Speaking in an interview in the late 1990s, director Roy Ward Baker personally described the making of this film as a nightmare.

Oh, no.

He said it was only when he and his fellow Hammer film crew got to Hong Kong, they discovered that almost none of the Golden Harvest studio crew spoke any English. He also said that he was unaware that Hong Kong made films were shot silent and then looped in post production due to constant noise of traffic and aircraft. And when he started filming, they found out the hard way that the location sound was practically unusable for the same reason.

Huh.

Also, it did mention that Peter Cushing was somewhat catatonic during most of it, as he was still recovering from his depression. Of his wife.

Oh, God damn it. Got so close. That was.

We did so it was close.

Lots of Dracula talk.

I like it. Well, it's fitting.

I love Dracula. I love vampires.

Yeah. We almost accidentally brought him back to life just by talking.

Could you imagine if we accidentally resurrected Dracula while talking about Dracula?

If he just appeared on. As a guest on our podcast randomly. Hello there.

I would love it. Keith, do your. Do your. Do your voice. Do your voice, Keith.

Quick, quick, Keith, do you want to have me on the podcast?

There it is. That's like Nosferatu.

Yep.

Or.

Or a pirate. Dracula.

Our Chicago contractor. Dracula.

Chicago contractor. That's what I.

That's what I think of.

What.

What's his name from Nosferatu Orlock. He's got that mustache. He's tall. He looks like a Chicago contractor.

Yeah. I mean, he's probably tried it at some point. He lived for so long, I would imagine.

I imagine he's been a bricklayer at one point or another.

Especially now. They do those at night sometimes. Like the road work and stuff.

Yes.

It's perfect.

Yep.

I'd love to have Dracula on my team. Yeah. But he does a great job.

Could you imagine having Dracula doing road work?

I mean, look, he's gonna work the night shift, which is great. A lot of stuff. Yeah. He'll be able. And you know what? He's probably used mind control. Get everyone to work together.

And he's got superhuman strength, so he can just, like, pick up stuff and get. He's got superhuman speed, so you get everything done.

You could turn into a bat and fly from one site to the other. And he'll never be late.

No, never be late. It's one. As long as there's ancestral homeland dirt there. Yeah, we keep some.

We keep some around all the time.

Just keep sprinkling that around. It's kind of annoying, but, you know, wow.

This new i94 interchange has Transylvanian dirt in the. On the off ramp.

Yep.

Wow. What a miracle. It's the best dirt.

And explain it.

I'll tell you what. I think the state of Illinois would still take forever to do that with Dracula. More like Dracula. They would take forever to do their

construction, even if it was this Dracula

with an army of undead minions and seven other vampires.

Yeah. They're all doing road work. I bet they'd get it done. Just imagine, like.

No, no. I've. I've got a. I've got a long standing history of seeing Illinois.

He's got a laundry list of complaints about Idot. Illinois department of transportation.

Yeah. I mean, look, I grew up just watching, like, things just be under construction for long enough that when they finish, they just are ready to start over again. So.

So that's the beauty of construction. It's never ending.

Yeah.

Just like Dracula.

Just like Dracula eternal.

Y.

Well, not. Not unless you keep resurrecting, as we just discussed during the deep dive.

Eternal. He keeps coming back.

Yeah, he killed. He can't be killed. Just when you thought he was done, he comes back for round two. Round two.

Blood from a bat drips on some ashes.

Maybe lock him up a little bit better.

Frank. Or whoever comes showing up and randomly brings Dracula back to life.

Imagine the series of events and circumstances that would lead to a vampire bat.

A very large one drip.

A very large vampire bed dripping blood on vamp on Dracula's ashes.

That can't be an accident. It had to be on purpose.

Well, you would think it had to be on purpose because it's so, like, serendipitous in a way. Right?

You know, it's like. Yes.

It's just so out of control.

We need to, like, get some mathematicians, like, staticians on this, like, to see, like, how many. How many vampire bats are in Transylvania wherever he died. Okay. How much. How often do they feed in the

local area and how often do they drip blood?

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. And like, gas.

I would think vampire bats are very, like, economical.

I think they eat. I mean, tripping.

Did somebody, like, shoot it and maybe hit it?

Yeah, that's a good call.

You can't help it. So then how many vampire bat hunters are out about at that time?

Yeah, like an AVB missile. Anti vampire bat missile hits it.

Now, it would make more sense if, like, a pregnant cat was jumping over his Dracula's ashes.

Hopping Dracula. Yeah.

You could imagine he's powered up, but he gets, like, the power. Both powers of both types of vampires.

It's like when you're Big Mario and then you get a flower after getting B and Big Mario.

Yes, yes. It's like this gets even better. Wow.

And then you get a tail.

Yep. But then you lose your firepower.

You lose your firepower, but you have a tail. So you can kind of temporarily fly your tanooki.

Dracula.

Yeah.

Would be a movie I'd watch.

That is the movie I would watch. I would watch that right now. If we had it. I want to watch it instead of the set. Legend of the Seven Golden Bears, Tanuki. Dracula.

In the new Mario movie, they can add tunicula.

Yeah, tunicula.

Ooh.

Like that.

All right. Do we need to talk about the Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires? I had to turn my head to look at the title again.

I mean, we. I think we might have to.

Let's talk about it.

Yeah, so I'm basically. I mean, this fits in, I think, very well with what we've already watched this month because. Yes, it's got, it's got the kung fu part. It's also got the weird fact to it.

It's got a lot of vampires, which we've somehow talked about a lot this entire series.

Yeah, a lot of vampire action.

Been a while since we've talked about vampires as much.

It has.

Oh, the, the. So the, the guy who plays Dracula in this one, he's really pissed because they, they dubbed somebody else in for his voice over the whole thing.

I was wondering if he was dubbed because it didn't really line up very well. I think it did, but not really.

Yeah, it's. It's not, not even actually him. It's somebody. Somebody else voicing him.

That's lame.

Yeah, that's too bad.

It is too bad. And he's only in like the first, like three minutes of the movie though.

First three minutes and like the last three minutes, I think five. Because that, that, that end scene of him melting away is like. Takes so long.

Is Dracula necessary even?

No, not at all.

Did we need him?

Yeah.

No, I don't. Cuz the vampires are already there.

Yeah.

And unless you're gonna say that Dracula is like the original vampire and it's him who's spreading, you know, vampirism around, but these guys are already there and already existing. And this guy just is like, I need you to help me get their strength up again.

Yeah.

Or get them doing what they're supposed to do again. I guess, like they're just sitting there watching the ladies on the table and not eating them.

I don't know. Not sure what they're supposed to be doing. Yeah.

But they're not taking anything out of the vat of boiling blood.

Yeah. I didn't understand what that contraption was supposed to be.

I thought they were. I thought they were draining the blood from any of the ladies that they put on there, but then they each walked up and like bit their blood.

Yeah. So I don't know.

And the one at the end falls into it and like everything evaporates out anyway.

Yeah.

You think you'd like it in there? Yeah, I don't know. What. It looked cool, but it didn't really make sense, I thought. Yeah. They were making a blood stew or something. I don't know.

Blood stew. God, I love the idea of that. You do? Yeah, Blood stew. Chef Dracula, Chef Villa.

I'm also. I'm also looking at blood. And then stew is spelled S, T

U. Oh, a guy named Blood Stew called Blood Stew Dracula gets on the horde with blood stew for delivery of some blood.

This is like the American version of Dracula. There's Dracula and there's blood stew.

He's got all the properties of a Dracula, but his name's Stu.

Blood Stew too. Looks like that.

Hello, Blood Stew 4.

Yeah, yeah. So,

yeah, I agree. The contraption does not make sense.

No.

I don't know what the stakes are besides that. These vampires have this village, which is bad. Probably shouldn't let the vampires roam free in the village. And they do go raiding other villages,

it seems, but it seems that way. Like a vampire village bad. A vampire village that raids surrounding villages even worse.

Yes, that is true.

And the only people who seem to have made it out of. Well, I guess there are a lot of other villagers in some of the other places. But like the main people. Who's supposed to live in the main. Was it QP or something like that? The. The main village that they're in is these seven brothers and their sister.

Yes, yes.

The only ones who believe the vampire thing because it's their village.

Yeah.

They've each picked up at least one of the 36 chambers. It seems like they all have a specialty. Guy with a giant mace. The guy with the pole staff.

There's twins. Double swords.

Double axeman twins and sword. Yeah, it's got pretty much it. There's an archer.

This movie had some of my favorite, like battle scenes in it.

There were some cool fights.

Yeah, that last fight. Not the last, last minutes of the movie, but like that last battle in the village. I guess it is.

Yes. That was.

Was really well done.

I love seeing that like, guy with his fish just like punching holes in the guys and like ripping out dust.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once they realized that they could just take the hearts out. And I gotta say though, like. So that's been a consistent. I think of the three movies that we've watched is there's like a big 15 to 20 minute fight. Like it just seems. It goes. Seems to go on forever. And they have two. I think there's like two main ones. There's the one where they first start on the road to go to the. To the village and those other guys attack them.

Yeah, like the criminal guys.

Yeah. And then There's.

They get jumped by the three vampires. Yeah.

And then there's the. The big final, you know, that big scene there at the, you know, fight scene at the end and all before they then head into the temple.

Yeah. Oh, and then we can't forget Dracula's epic showdown with Peter Cushing.

Mm.

Where he gets slapped twice.

We can't forget that.

Then Dracula.

I've already forgotten it, to be honest. I don't remember.

It goes for like two minutes and it's like, that's it.

Wow.

Dracula was not as tough as these other cool vampires.

So I'm watching this movie and then we're in that big battle scene at the end where. Where Bond girl turns into a vampire.

Yep. Oh, yeah.

And the one guy's. I can't remember, like the main brother.

Yeah.

That's like, well, I'll die for you. Van Helsing is fighting her. Then he pierces her on some bamboo. Then he pierces himself because he got bit. Like, oh, that's badass. That's a cool ass move right there. Then the sister who is in love with the son of Van Helsing gets kidnapped because she gets tossed over the wall.

Yes.

And like, oh, my God, they're taking her on horseback. I paused and like, there's only eight minutes left. I'm like, what does this get results?

Oh, no. Ye. This is gonna be a big, like. Yeah. Big plot point. Oh, no. Okay, there's like, there's.

And there's. There's credits involved.

Yeah.

Let's just head over to the. Let's head over to the cemetery just across the way.

This has been how all of these movies have been.

Yeah.

They don't know how to finish.

No. It's so anti climactic. Like, Dracula finally reveals himself and then he dies in like two seconds.

Yeah.

Shouldn't he be the toughest one?

You'd think he should have been there the whole time. Dracula should have been behind the scenes pulling strings, killing people.

Yeah. He should have been like. You should have seen him, like, making machinations.

Yes.

I thought you said making records.

I think Dracula's pointless in this film. It would have been nice to just be like, wow, this is a new type of vampire that, you know, that Van Helsing's never faced. But he has some. You know how he talks about in the beginning. He's like, well, this works for some things, but I don't know if it'll work in this case because it's a different country.

Works in the West. I don't know about the East. Yeah.

It would have been interesting to see, like, him, like, trying to, like, learn a new thing.

Eastern vampires. Yeah.

And, you know, I think. I think especially except for the fact that obviously, I think Hammer films trying to make sure that this continues to connect into their. Their, like, Dracula series of movies. But once Christopher Lee drops out, it's like, yeah, I'm not going to do this. Then they probably could just skip the Dracula part and been like, yeah, this is Van Helsing adventure.

Van Helsing can fight other vampires besides Dracula.

And these vampires are pretty cool. I mean, they do martial arts.

Yeah.

They seem more scary than Dracula. Like, they just beat me up with their bare hands.

Yeah.

Dracula could probably do that too.

To be fair, my only guess of. Of why Van Helsing is able to kill him so quickly is because he's defeated him like, a bunch of different times beforehand. Like, oh, he'll fall for the old bruise and. And yeah. Oh, I'm gonna jump over here. He'll never see I have another, you know, silver staff over here that he'll dive onto.

He always forgets I have one of these things.

Yeah. Or like.

Yeah.

Or even so, like, I don't know. Couldn't you just have fought him as the other guy and not made him change back into Dracula? Because I would have liked to have actually seen the martial arts guy, like, come at Van Helsing and, like, Van Helsing had to, like, you know, defend a couple. Couple martial arts moves before he stabbed him. Would have been kind of cool.

Yeah.

That was another thing I thought was interesting about this film is like, yeah, there's like, a very heavy martial arts influence. But whenever it's any, like, the English actors, it's like they don't just stand there and watch or they, like, join the fray where Van Helsing swinging his, like, torch around, but I'm like, swinging the torch.

Young Van Helsing rolls. He rolls on the ground while other people jump over him.

He has a gun. And I was like, that's cool. He's blasting things. He should be blasting things all the time. But he just kind of stands there and rolls around for most of.

Yeah. Young Van Helsing is there as love interest for the sister of the Seven Brothers Whatevers. Which I was like, okay. And then he had the Bond girl to be the love interest of Van Helsing.

Like, no, she's love interest for the.

The main.

The brother.

Oh, was.

Yeah, they fall in love, remember? Because he sacrifices himself.

Oh, yeah. I thought that was just like more incidental. I thought it was like enamored. Enamored with Van Helsing, but I guess not at first.

That's where I thought the movie was going.

She's like, really interested in him. But like, once she meets the. The leader of the seven brothers, like, she's totally in on that.

Yeah, I understand now.

And even like with Van Helsing's son is kind of like trying to hit on her a little bit at some point. And then later on she's like, why don't you go help the lady, dude?

Well, yeah, she's. If you're a heterosexual man, she's walking around without a bra, with big boobs a lot in a tight shirt there.

So there's a scene where like the. I think it's like, what? It's like whatever. The evil. The mob guys that come out after him at first.

Yeah.

And she's like off to the side and they show her breathing and her like her boobs are just like expanding out, like so far. Like.

Well, that's what happens when you breathe. Your chest expands.

But it's like the camera flashes over to her and you see it and it. With like what she's wearing and stuff is so tight that you really fully see like. Like. It made me laugh. That's how now it's silly it looks.

I need to correct myself because the allure of her boobs are not just for heterosexual men, bisexual men, bisexual women and lesbian women as well. Anyone in general that has a fascination of boobs. Kidding. Yeah, because they are prominent in this movie.

That's true.

They are in a movie full of topless women. She is not one of them.

No, but. No, she still stands ass on her.

Yes.

She still is the most memorable of the boobs.

Well, because others are just so, like, non.

Like, I don't know, they're attached to torture victims.

Yeah.

It's not as exciting. Far less interesting.

Yes. And you know what? I bet you that's why the one guy, when he runs over after she's been attacked by and gets bitten by the one vampire, he runs over and he doesn't know the. Notice the bite marks in her neck because he's just staring at the boobs. Yeah, he's.

She's wearing a very tight white shirt with no bra. It's. She. She's the ultimate diversion. She's set out there to like, draw the attention. But they're vampires, right? They. They don't care about that as much. I guess.

I feel like these. These Vampires really are focusing on that when they rip off the shirts of every woman.

That's true. They are, like, fixated on chess.

These. The seven golden vampires are very interested in that.

Yes, they are.

They, they, they. I would say like six of like the, like eight people they have tied up in that table have their shirts ripped open.

Yeah, the one that didn't was the one that spoke.

Yeah, right. That's odd.

She's. She was probably like the one named actor in the group.

Yeah, she's like, I'm not doing my shirt.

Okay, fine, just read these lines.

I'm not doing that. Yeah, it seems. It makes it more weird when it's like everybody's got their shirt off about her and you're like, what makes her so special?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got like a. Like almost like a really nice dress on too, for the whole thing.

Yeah.

Oh, she's the one who, like, at the beginning, somebody's going to come in to try and save.

Save me. Father.

Father, please help.

Yeah, she's the daughter of the farmer.

Makes sense.

Main character, he goes in there with a hoe and he's like. He just. He is not killing vampires with a hoe.

Sorry, sorry. That's not. Yeah, everybody knows that's not going to work. No, he doesn't even start swinging. He goes in there and starts untying. There's vampires all around him.

Yeah, that's the vampire resistance.

First you got to, I don't know, figure out a distraction or do something to get those vampires out of there. Because they're all just watching you as you run over there.

Also, I gotta say, like, it's a very different version of a vampire as well, because.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you go from, like, you know, whether it's Dracula or like, if you get like, with the vampire stat. So like that they're always, you know, they're looking youthful when they get to eat the blood. They suck the blood and everything like that. Well, especially once they get, like, plenty of. Once they get plenty of blood, they usually seem to like, de. Age and stuff like that. The seven golden vampires looked like they were like, ready to, like, fall apart at any minute.

Yeah. They're dusty and they're got boils all over their face.

Their eyes are, like, weird, like, bugging out and stuff like that. And also when they die, like, it. They kind of, you know, they crumple kind of easily and like, they sit there and watch them for a bit. But at the end, when Dracula dies, like, it's like 23 minutes of just him fading away. Absolutely going like, how long is this gonna.

The seven golden vampires, they kind of die. Like the witch in the wizard of Oz where she kind of dry out.

Less fanfare.

Yeah, well, that's more Dracula, but like the first witch, you get smushed by the building. Oh, that's more how the golden ones die. They get flattened and then they just kind of like shrivel up.

So real talk. When I was a kid, Keith, you probably remember this wizard of Oz would come on once a year on CBS and it was like there wasn't cables. So this was like tune in event. And when I was a child, the curling up of the feet and. And the legs, it was terrifying to me. Like there's feet don't bend that way. And it used to like freak me out. And it still freaks me out when I think of it. Cuz feet don't bend that way.

They still don't bend that way.

No, they still don't.

It's disturbing. It is disturbing. Even if you smushed her by accident, it's still pretty messed up.

Yeah, agreed. No. Did we do a boyos? Did we get through?

As I turn my head, I think so.

The legend of the seven golden vampires from 1974.

I feel like we did.

I think we did. We did good enough this time.

What do we think of the seven Golden Vampires from the. I didn't turn my head. The legend of the seven golden vampires from 1974.

I think it fit in perfectly with what we've watched so far this month. It had plenty of know plenty of martial arts action is a little faster paced at times than the 36 chambers. Maybe not as fast a pace as Infran, but I think it, you know, it fit and, and scratched a nice little itch there. Of the, you know, kung fu horror film. I think it was a really good choice. I liked it.

Yeah, I thought it was all right. I liked aspects of it. Like the martial arts vampires was pretty cool. I like the fight scenes a lot, the villains themselves. I wish there was a little more going on. I'm still not exactly sure what they were up to besides just causing trouble in the neighborhood, I guess. I don't know, I. I don't like Dracula being kind of like ramroded into this. I don't know why he's needed and he kind of just dies so easy. Like you watch this 15 minute battle, all these golden vampires doing crazy moves and then Dracula basically trips and falls on the stake.

Yep.

Like, huh. I don't know, but it was okay. I just don't really. I think the characters were kind of bland. I mean, it's kind of the problem we've had with all these movies, kind of, so. But I do kind of agree. We talked a lot about vampires, we talked a lot about martial arts. And now here we are, we got

a perfect blend of vampires and martial arts.

A perfect blend?

Yeah, perfect blend.

Like this movie is on par with everything we've watched this month so far. Was it great? No. Was it good? It was fine. It was. I like to see some vampires. I got to see martial arts. I wish the boring was exciting once again.

Wow.

There's lots of boring. Lots of boring.

Can we all just wish for that?

There's so much like. I know it's gonna get edited out and trimmed down to the tidiest 45 seconds, but the opening clip is just a bunch of people walking and staring and looking at stuff.

And the guy, a guy freaking out and doing the sign of cross when he sees an Asian man come walking across the hill.

That scene of them in the opening clip does stand out because we get a scene, but right before that, them going like, don't worry, there's some caves up ahead that we can stay in. Cool, let's cut straight to the cape. No, we got to cut to.

We gotta walk.

Climbing up a hill.

We gotta walk.

Looking at the hill, going in the cave.

Scout. Yeah.

Yes, yes. It's like that was unnecessary because you

know what's an awesome concept?

Martial arts vampires.

Yes. And a village of vampires. That needs to be exercised in some way.

Yes, the undead army.

Yes. Just have that be the movie. I don't need. I don't need backstory. I don't need any in between story. No, I need Van Helsing assembling an army of vampire hunters to go kill a bunch of vampires. Just give me that. Maybe they're half.

I'm half growing the army and that's bad enough. Sounds pretty bad.

Oh, you know what? If you're going to make that long thing where he's got to walk along a long way, why isn't he like maybe doing a way where he has to stop off at like little villages along the way and in each one he's picking up a new person, like you know, almost montage style, I guess a little bit. But like, you know, Van Helsing has to like go and recruit people along the way to get to the, you know, by the time he gets there,

it's kind of like Seven Samurai where

they have to recruit.

Yeah. Seven.

He's got. He's got all his people. He's, you know, he's gonna pick up the twin swordsmen in one place. He's gonna find the guy with the battle axes in another place.

Yeah.

I mean, we don't even see him get all of them. Just eventually his whole crew is there. But we've seen like the main people as he's gone along the way. As opposed to. Let's walk a bit. Hey, I see something up there. Let's walk a bit more.

There's a lot of walking.

Yeah, a lot of walking. A lot of downtime. Even when they were. When he was. I forgot. So Van Helsing's doing his little talk at the Chinese university. He's telling the story of the farmer and then they flash back to the farmer and then they do that whole scene and it takes a long time to get through it to the point where I forgot that was a flashback that coincided with the story. And that cuts back to Peter. I'm sorry, Grandma Tarkin.

Thank you.

Say, and I think that farmer was real, right?

Well, it seemed real by watching that flashback.

God, I forgot about. I forgot was a flashback because we had the wheel of. Of topless. Wheel of topless, which is kind of what it was. And like they had all that stuff going and it just took forever. I don't know. A lot of slow. But the concept of vampires and kung fu, that is a marriage that needs to happen again.

They should make a new version of this and cut out the fluff, add some more interesting stuff and you'll be fine.

Yes. And it. It could rhyme just as like the. With Terry too.

And instead of, instead of 20, instead of a 20 minute fight scene, maybe break it out into like two 10 minute ones with like some.

I want a 20 minute fight scene. But I. I need the stakes to be raised. I need more awesome in it.

Lord of the Rings style.

Yeah. Helm's Deep with vampires.

Yeah.

Kung Fu. Oh, my God, there's.

The vampires are roaming the night.

The country made a million dollars.

They got to recruit.

Yeah.

Van Helsing. They bring him over from Europe and they have to like, we need your help. We can't stop the vampire menace. And then, boom. He's. He's like their Gandalf.

If you went to a studio executive right now and you said, it's Helm steep, but instead of Legolas, it's Van Helsing, and instead of orcs, it's vampires, you made a billion dollars.

Yeah, it's Honestly, kind of a good idea.

I am way too excited about that idea.

And you could have Dracula be in this. Like, maybe Dracula is taking over the town. He has to. He has to, you know, walk with a couple other guys. It's the fellowship ring to rule them all. And he has to get over there.

And then Renfield is a Gollum.

Yes. Okay, this is good. I'm trying to think of who Gimli would be.

Who?

Van Helsing and the guy who's his rival.

Oh, I don't know. Does Van Helsing have a rival? That's as. Begrudgingly. Their best friends is Dracula. Rival, Grudgingly.

His best friend is Jack. Maybe it's like a Maybe son of

Van Helsing is Gimly the son of Van Helsing. Yeah, he's like.

Now, I'm also. Now I'm also picturing though, that, like, at one point in time, Van Helsing and Dra were best. Best buddies.

Like, oh, what about Victor Frankenstein? He could be the. There we go.

What about Victor Frankenstein?

He played by the same guy.

Mm.

So there you go.

Dual roles, dual rules. All the things we love.

Yep. And my mad science.

Toss me.

What?

Yeah.

In my ax.

Ah.

Oh, man.

Oh, yeah.

I thought it was Sean Connery. I didn't know who it was.

We could get him in there, too.

No, I like the fact that it's not, because it's not Frankenstein's monster. It's actually just Dr. Frankenstein. And maybe he's. He's making some extra stuff along the way. He's the queue of the group. Yeah.

He's the queue of the group of

the Lord of the Rings style.

He's the quartermaster. Yes. Yep.

Okay.

All right.

Let's tmtm. These are our ideas. Nobody steals.

Yes. Yeah. Quick, mail this to ourselves.

Oh, God.

You know, the Shaw Bros are listening right now. They're going to use our idea. Dang it.

I imagine the Shaw Bros are listening from beyond the grave. They got to be, right.

Unless someone accidentally resurrects them.

I mean, they were in their prime in the 70s. They have to be beyond the grave right now.

I mean, it's got to be some additional Shaw Bros, like, further down the family tree.

Sha Bros Jr. Sha Bro. Jr. Shaw Bro III Zebros. The Zebros. Okay, well, we know what we thought.

Sure do.

What.

What did they. I'm actually not sure. I'm not sure if I even know what we thought.

We know what we thought. God damn it. What we thought.

We want to Remake this movie is what we.

No more questions Internet have to say other than yes, make this movie, guys. This is what the Internet had to say. Well, on June 24th of 2005, Christopher Cole, 15, had this to say. Fist versus Fang. In this horror slash kung fu spectacular. Marvelous, marvelous old trash.

Wow.

From the opening scene where Dracula appears with a makeover that looks like he rummaged around his mother's handbag and ate her lipstick.

I agree, he does look really bad right away.

Looks terrible.

He gets better. I think the lighting. It really depends on where the lighting is because right away he looks bad, but later he looks okay. Like I think they just forgot that he looks horrible in real light.

Yeah.

Cover him in blue.

To the very silly vampires who look like they have dipped their heads in old moldy cheese dip. This is a master class in silly filmmaking. Poor Peter Cushing struggles manly on with a script written by a 10 year old with the look of utter despair on his face, which we learned was because his wife died.

Yeah,

I am not a fan of kung fu films, but this is a diamond.

Really.

Beautifully shot, as are all Hammer productions, the film nevertheless is so wonderfully daft and played with such gusto by the cast that it's a joy to watch with some friends. I laughed so much I gave myself a nosebleed. What?

What?

8.

Wow.

Found it helpful. 3. Not so much. 10 out of 10.

Dracula needs to get into comedy, especially

if it's given nosebleeds. That's like his. It's just like his power potion right there.

He doesn't have to suck blood anymore. He just got to get a nosebleed.

Suck a nose? Yeah.

Oh, no.

Suck a nose, Dracula. Not to be outdone, on February 19th of 2026, just like a couple weeks ago.

Wow. This is off the presses fresh.

S.J. taylor had this to say. Utter schlock. Now, before I go any further, agree 100 with the headline, but this is not a 1 out of 10. All right.

This other guy had the last review you read. Had the same basic premise.

Yes. But S.J. taylor had this to say. Utter schlock. You know exactly what rubbish you're going to be in for watching this. When the figure of Dracula himself is portrayed at the beginning as a badly dubbed, rouged up old drag queen. I agree, it's true. 5 out of 10 right there.

This is a mere reflection of that.

Minutes give you a five thereafter.

Really?

Yes, thereafter. It only gets worse and beyond. Amateurish in all respects. With rubber bats. Agreed. That keeps it at 5.

I like the bats. I like.

I agree. With rubber bands bouncing up and down on sprung wires. Wholly without merit or redeeming feature.

Wow.

Now really mind this review is merely weeks old. One found it helpful for this movie. Somebody witnessed review this movie as like in the last two weeks. It's like. I agree. Zero, not so much. One out of ten.

Wow. Those help me. Help me pick a movie.

S.J. taylor, you read that?

Pick this.

Told a friend. Hey, go thumbs up my review of the Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires give us some traction.

Yeah, there's nobody's searching this out unless they have.

No.

There's a lot of like breadcrumbs to follow to find this film even exists.

Yeah.

You have to do work to know this movie exists.

Yeah. Unless Amazon prime it pops up on your front page. Want this to buy this now get it tomorrow.

You have to have a podcast that watches virtually any movie. And one of those guys picks the Shaw brothers as the guiding.

Yeah.

Thing.

Oh, shit. A lot of work to get to the Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires.

A lot of work.

A lot of work. It just doesn't. You don't stumble upon it. No.

You do not simply wait, what's the Lord of the Rocks?

You don't simply walk into this Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires. No, boys, we did it. We got through three weeks of Shaw Bros. That's right. And I don't know if we've talked more about nonsense or more about the movie.

I think it was a lot of nonsense.

A lot of nonsense has taken place over the last three weeks.

I mean, I think, I think most of our. Most of what we do kind of blends those two pretty weird. I think we're. I think we're. I think we're a little more like it's like 70, 30 movie nonsense. And we've been a little more 50, 50 this month.

Yeah, no, we have not been 50, 50.

There's been some rabbit holes that we've gone down and talked about.

Lots of rabbit holes.

Grill, Gremlins and grill.

I haven't edited that yet. Yes, I guarantee there's me grilled gremlin

talk spoilers for last week.

Yeah, I forgot about that until just now. All right, what we have to do, we have to do which is going to bring us back to our. Our, our ground. It's going to be our, our like core, our central base. We gotta spin that wheel. And what that means is we each took a movie that was mentioned throughout the course of the last three weeks. We put it on the wheel. And we're gonna spin that wheel.

That's right. I'm excited.

I'm expired. I'm. I'm expired and excited as well. Yeah, I can't talk. So with that said, there's the wheel. Terry, what did you put on the wheel?

I picked Kung Fu Zombie, which I picked or I mentioned in our Inframan episode.

Inframan episode. And then, Keith, what did you pick?

I'm also going to dip into the Inframan episode, but I'm gonna pick John Woo's the Killer.

The Killer. And I'm going with the Hound of the Baskerville. So much us today. Because it's Sherlock Holmes, and I have an infinity for Sherlock Holmes.

I was gonna say another classic kung fu movie.

Another classic kung fu movie with Grand Moff Tarkin. I put those on the wheel with a spin again. I doubled them up a couple times, and then. So we got a full wheel of there. Now, before we spin that wheel, Terry, you've utilized your veto.

That's right.

You stopped Green Lantern from happening last month.

I did. And for the better, I'm sure. We ended up watching World I don't know enough.

You just kicked the can down the.

Yeah. It did not change our fate, I feel like.

So that means, Keith, you and I both have vetoes that are applicable this month. I feel like I'm going to use it unless I get what I want.

It's a wheel, so you're not going to use it.

When do I get my veto back?

Never.

Oh. So the wheel's ready here. I'm going to spin it. When one of you guys says, go ahead and spin.

Go ahead and spin and spin.

There it goes.

Oh, Keith,

I don't think. Again, veto is.

I literally can't.

So Terry literally can't. I technically can. The killer is what's come up on the wheel. If I veto this, which is. Which is guaranteed the best movie on the week, it's foolish.

You shouldn't. Because it's a good movie.

All right, I'm not gonna veto it. I'm not gonna veto it. We're watching the killer.

That's exciting.

Okay, John, who's the killer? Wow. Keith, how's it feel to get your wheel pick this early in the season?

You've already got your one.

I mean, it's. It's been a long time. Been a long time coming.

Last time this happened, you had a big run after. You did, I think, didn't you?

I was ready to veto the veto.

So next week, we're watching the Killer from John Woo. Yes.

Yeah.

Yes. All right, cool. Nobody's arguing with me on that one. I guess that leaves us with nothing to do but to end this the way we end everything.

I agree.

It's happening right now in London. New York could be next.

Or Paris or Rome or Tokyo.

It's happening right now to this girl. It's your turn next.

Hello. Oh, I thought someone was falling out of her mouth.

Dealing with ordinary criminals, it's more sinister, more obscene than any monstrosity you can think of. Lord of Corruption, Master of the undead.

Count Dracula. Thanks for listening to fumbling through film. New episodes drop every Thursday. Got feedback or questions? Email us@fumblingthroughfilm gmail.com you can see our films to Fumble before you tumble into the grave and other musings on Letterboxd at Fumble through film. The through is T. Hru. You can also follow Keith on Instagram at kg30threelives. And on Letterboxd3030, Terry is on Letterboxd @terry2099. Derek is on Letterboxd Derek the number nine. And then the word nine. All original music is done by the Dr. Dream of Kansas Terry. So hit him up for them bangers. Our new podcast logo is done by the delightful and talented Sanjay Vicky Nayak. You can find her on Instagram at Einstein. That's Einstein with a K in there. We'll see you next week as we keep on fumbling. That's Nighthawk.

Yeah. You don't recognize him?

No. Why has he got such high shoulder pad? Cape.

Oh, you know.

And what's the thing on his forehead?

Dark look.

Dark look?

Is that what you said?

Yeah, it's his dark look.

Dark wing. Dark wing.

They said luck. I was like, okay, well, that character is amazing.

Thank you.

Some editing now.